Brriing!! Beeeeep!!

I sit on the floor stacking Duplo blocks with my 18-month-old, my head cocked toward the closed door across the room. The sun has dimmed, rush hour has passed, and my two older kids, ages 8 and 6, are busy practicing the alphabet and memorizing math facts. I try to turn a deaf ear to the answering machine as it drones a familiar voice, a partner on a current project who lives in California and has an annoying tendency to forget that his 4:00 is my 7:00. Ten minutes later, unable to get my brain back to those building blocks, I pop in a beloved Barney video for my toddler and duck behind the door to play the message. Then I guiltily hammer off an e-mail on my computer while my daughter hollers for math help from the next room.

Ahhh, technology. It was supposed to simplify lives, especially for working moms -- providing the flexibility to go to the pediatrician, log on to office e-mail from home when the school district takes a snow day, or attend the latest preschool performance. Yet such gadgets as cell phones, pagers, and wireless e-mail devices often have the opposite effect on an already harried existence. For some moms, being on call 24/7 may be subtly sapping the family time these helpful communication devices were supposed to create. Just four years ago, a Yankelovich survey found that 51 percent of moms felt technology had given them more leisure time. Today, that figure has dropped to 35 percent.

"A few years ago, I wouldn't have thought it possible to simultaneously talk on the phone with a client, process orders on my laptop, cook dinner, and test my son's spelling -- but it is!" says Fern Reiss of Boston, a mom of three, ages 10, 6, and 2, and founder of PublishingGame.com, which produces books and workshops for authors. "Juggling's a way of life for me, though if I blink for too long, all the balls may come crashing down! When I'm off to the playground with my kids and an important client calls on my cell phone, it just kills me to see their faces fall."

Blurring Boundaries

For many working moms, cell phones and e-mail are now considered the minimum must-haves. The downsizing, streamlining, and productivity improvements that have become the hallmarks of the American way of doing business over the past decade all signify but one thing: We have to do more work in the same amount of time, which means we do it on nights and weekends. The work treadmill seems to keep speeding up as we go faster. And it's ironic that technology, which is supposed to make things easier, actually makes it harder and harder to turn off the endless demands.

Don't even get Amy Freedman started on what so-called advancements in communication have done to her life: "It's supposed to save you oodles of time, right? Well, it's five-thirty p.m., and I'm finally reading the sixty-nine e-mails I have from today alone. I returned a ton of calls during my lunch hour and from my cell phone in the carpool line, and I'll be back on the phone tonight after dinner. Once my kids go to sleep, it's more e-mail," says Freedman, a mom of two girls, ages 10 and 7, and the owner of a Gymboree Play & Music Center in Oklahoma City.

Lylla Carter, a mom of three, ages 11, 6, and 1, in Southampton, New York, finds that technology makes her part-time work running a local chorus a 7 a.m.-to-10 p.m. responsibility. For the most part, she doesn't mind squeezing in the all-hours phone calls and e-mail, but her husband, Noah, does mind when it interrupts family time. This is a true conflict, she says, admitting that it's hard to draw the line on when to stop working. "My work with the chorus is a real passion. I love being able to pursue an outlet beyond mom and wife, and technology -- for better or worse -- is the only thing that makes it possible."

For Ellen Rappaport Tanowitz, the pull of technology begins as soon as she steps out of her morning shower. This Boston mom of two, ages 4 and 1, started a private law practice out of her home so she could have flexible hours. "But the first thing I want to do every day is check my e-mail," she says. "My husband, who takes the boys to daycare on his way to work, finally said, 'You have to stop that! I need your help in the morning.' If I don't turn off the business line that rings in my home, I feel a compulsion to answer it, even after hours. It's just hard for me to turn off work, literally and figuratively." Which of course was one of the reasons she decided to build a home-based career to begin with.

The Emotional Toll of Technology

Whether they resent being plugged in or are drawn to it, for many moms the downside of being better able to stay in touch isn't just the stress of a huge workload or maintaining the balancing act with family but also the emotional toll. And that can be equally consuming and guilt-inducing.

"Yesterday, my three-year-old gave me a determined look while I was at my computer and said, 'Stop working, Mommy!' The message hit home," says Frances Acquistapace of San Jose, California. Still, she says she doesn't always have a choice. She's an adviser for a referral service that helps place older people in assisted-living facilities, and her firm's policy is to respond to client messages within 24 hours. Her work often ends up cutting into home time. "It's so frustrating because I want to be with Kylie, but I also know a family needs my help finding care quickly. I'll tell Kylie, 'Mommy has to do some work, but I'll be there in five minutes.' Of course, five seconds seems like five minutes to her."

After spending the day on the phone as a receptionist, Mercedes Gray, a mom of two girls, ages 7 and 1, in Los Angeles, uses her cell phone during her commute home to check in with her kids' caregiver and her husband. Later in the evening, she sifts through e-mail from friends. "This technology has let me keep in touch with family and friends despite my hectic schedule, and that's great," she says. "But I crave solitude. There are times when I want to turn everything off and escape. Yet I can't bring myself to, because what kind of mom or friend would I be if I weren't available for people who are important to me? I feel selfish just thinking about it."

Pulling the Plug

Women who can control how much technology they want in their lives often find that the best solution is just to avoid it altogether in certain situations. I break into an immediate sweat when I'm caught off-guard, so the last thing I want to do is attempt an intelligent conversation while chasing a wayward toddler around the playground. I finally broke down and bought a cell phone when my middle child required stitches after a run-in with the corner of a preschool table and I couldn't be reached, but I don't give out the number to business associates.

Tiffany Smith, a mom of four, ages 8, 6, 4, and 3, and a scrapbooking consultant who works from home in Murray, Utah, says she tries to limit her non-work-related phone and computer use to specific days of the week. "Once I start talking on the phone or checking e-mail, it's too easy to get sucked in for a few hours," she says. She also took the very simple and concrete step of disconnecting the phone in her bedroom. "I need a reprieve at night. It's amazing how much less tempting a ringing phone is if it's not right by your side."

Melody Campbell-Goeken, a hotel executive in San Antonio and a mom of a 7-year-old son, became so fed up with being tethered to her cell phone when she was an account manager at a PR agency that she changed jobs. She now finds the pace of life much more sane. "Not having to carry a cell phone all the time allows me a good excuse to be 'out of touch' after work and on weekends. The job still gets done, but on my terms. And my husband's elated. I can go out to dinner and on vacation without the fear of chaos calling!"

Kathleen Barco, a mom of a 7-year-old and a PR manager for a health care company in San Jose, hasn't had as much success: "My daughter doesn't like that I work so much, so I make a point of volunteering in her classroom once a month. But during one field trip, my phone started to ring and there was a crisis at work (I was on call). I stood outside the supermarket they were visiting and handled calls for about a half hour. She's never let me forget that!"

Weighing the Tech Trade-Off

Of course, it's also easy to see what all of this technology has done for us: Changed the definition of "office." Tanowitz is delighted she's no longer tied to a demanding law firm: "My contact with clients and colleagues is often completely remote, so they have no idea whether their call or e-mail is coming into the office or my home. I like that people think I'm available all the time, even if I'm shopping with my kids."

Kept us in closer contact. "It's up to you to use the technology to your benefit and not let it interfere with your personal life," says Sherri Pfefer of Miami, who works for a wireless service provider. "I have caller ID, so I don't answer the phone for unknown callers. I have two cell phones, one for personal use and one for business, so I always know which kind of call I'm getting." She's in communication with her two boys, ages 14 and 12, after school via instant messaging. Plus, she says, "I have a wireless e-mail pager, so they can also keep in touch with me that way -- and it allows me to read my company e-mail after hours or when I need personal time off to be with my family. All these devices have actually made my life easier, and I'm extremely grateful for them."

If these women all sound like Supermom, it's because that's one expectation technology hasn't been able to improve upon. Working moms are still the most overloaded people on the planet, and the increased-availability factor may now be compounding the problem for many women.

Think about it: They may be happy to be able to work overtime from home at night. But what happened to sweating out stress at the gym, escaping into a good book, or luxuriating in a bubble bath? For too many moms, life's little pleasures may be going the way of record albums, floppy disks, and soon, even VCRs. The need to always be faster, better, and more accessible is the ultimate catch-22 of technology -- whether you run on adrenaline or a computer chip.

Stephanie Wood is coauthor of The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children (Regan Books).

CLOSE PRINT

Life, Interrupted By Stephanie Wood, Parenting Brriing!! Beeeeep!! I sit on the floor stacking Duplo blocks with my 18-month-old, my head cocked toward the closed door across the room. The sun has dimmed, rush hour has passed, and my two older kids, ages 8 and 6, are busy practicing the alphabet and memorizing math facts. I try to turn a deaf ear to the answering machine as it drones a familiar voice, a partner on a current project who lives in California and has an annoying tendency to forget that his 4:00 is my 7:00. Ten minutes later, unable to get my brain back to those building blocks, I pop in a beloved Barney video for my toddler and duck behind the door to play the message. Then I guiltily hammer off an e-mail on my computer while my daughter hollers for math help from the next room. Ahhh, technology. It was supposed to simplify lives, especially for working moms -- providing the flexibility to go to the pediatrician, log on to office e-mail from home when the school district takes a snow day, or attend the latest preschool performance. Yet such gadgets as cell phones, pagers, and wireless e-mail devices often have the opposite effect on an already harried existence. For some moms, being on call 24/7 may be subtly sapping the family time these helpful communication devices were supposed to create. Just four years ago, a Yankelovich survey found that 51 percent of moms felt technology had given them more leisure time. Today, that figure has dropped to 35 percent. "A few years ago, I wouldn't have thought it possible to simultaneously talk on the phone with a client, process orders on my laptop, cook dinner, and test my son's spelling -- but it is!" says Fern Reiss of Boston, a mom of three, ages 10, 6, and 2, and founder of PublishingGame.com, which produces books and workshops for authors. "Juggling's a way of life for me, though if I blink for too long, all the balls may come crashing down! When I'm off to the playground with my kids and an important client calls on my cell phone, it just kills me to see their faces fall." Blurring Boundaries For many working moms, cell phones and e-mail are now considered the minimum must-haves. The downsizing, streamlining, and productivity improvements that have become the hallmarks of the American way of doing business over the past decade all signify but one thing: We have to do more work in the same amount of time, which means we do it on nights and weekends. The work treadmill seems to keep speeding up as we go faster. And it's ironic that technology, which is supposed to make things easier, actually makes it harder and harder to turn off the endless demands. Don't even get Amy Freedman started on what so-called advancements in communication have done to her life: "It's supposed to save you oodles of time, right? Well, it's five-thirty p.m., and I'm finally reading the sixty-nine e-mails I have from today alone. I returned a ton of calls during my lunch hour and from my cell phone in the carpool line, and I'll be back on the phone tonight after dinner. Once my kids go to sleep, it's more e-mail," says Freedman, a mom of two girls, ages 10 and 7, and the owner of a Gymboree Play & Music Center in Oklahoma City. Lylla Carter, a mom of three, ages 11, 6, and 1, in Southampton, New York, finds that technology makes her part-time work running a local chorus a 7 a.m.-to-10 p.m. responsibility. For the most part, she doesn't mind squeezing in the all-hours phone calls and e-mail, but her husband, Noah, does mind when it interrupts family time. This is a true conflict, she says, admitting that it's hard to draw the line on when to stop working. "My work with the chorus is a real passion. I love being able to pursue an outlet beyond mom and wife, and technology -- for better or worse -- is the only thing that makes it possible." For Ellen Rappaport Tanowitz, the pull of technology begins as soon as she steps out of her morning shower. This Boston mom of two, ages 4 and 1, started a private law practice out of her home so she could have flexible hours. "But the first thing I want to do every day is check my e-mail," she says. "My husband, who takes the boys to daycare on his way to work, finally said, 'You have to stop that! I need your help in the morning.' If I don't turn off the business line that rings in my home, I feel a compulsion to answer it, even after hours. It's just hard for me to turn off work, literally and figuratively." Which of course was one of the reasons she decided to build a home-based career to begin with. The Emotional Toll of Technology Whether they resent being plugged in or are drawn to it, for many moms the downside of being better able to stay in touch isn't just the stress of a huge workload or maintaining the balancing act with family but also the emotional toll. And that can be equally consuming and guilt-inducing. "Yesterday, my three-year-old gave me a determined look while I was at my computer and said, 'Stop working, Mommy!' The message hit home," says Frances Acquistapace of San Jose, California. Still, she says she doesn't always have a choice. She's an adviser for a referral service that helps place older people in assisted-living facilities, and her firm's policy is to respond to client messages within 24 hours. Her work often ends up cutting into home time. "It's so frustrating because I want to be with Kylie, but I also know a family needs my help finding care quickly. I'll tell Kylie, 'Mommy has to do some work, but I'll be there in five minutes.' Of course, five seconds seems like five minutes to her." After spending the day on the phone as a receptionist, Mercedes Gray, a mom of two girls, ages 7 and 1, in Los Angeles, uses her cell phone during her commute home to check in with her kids' caregiver and her husband. Later in the evening, she sifts through e-mail from friends. "This technology has let me keep in touch with family and friends despite my hectic schedule, and that's great," she says. "But I crave solitude. There are times when I want to turn everything off and escape. Yet I can't bring myself to, because what kind of mom or friend would I be if I weren't available for people who are important to me? I feel selfish just thinking about it." Pulling the Plug Women who can control how much technology they want in their lives often find that the best solution is just to avoid it altogether in certain situations. I break into an immediate sweat when I'm caught off-guard, so the last thing I want to do is attempt an intelligent conversation while chasing a wayward toddler around the playground. I finally broke down and bought a cell phone when my middle child required stitches after a run-in with the corner of a preschool table and I couldn't be reached, but I don't give out the number to business associates. Tiffany Smith, a mom of four, ages 8, 6, 4, and 3, and a scrapbooking consultant who works from home in Murray, Utah, says she tries to limit her non-work-related phone and computer use to specific days of the week. "Once I start talking on the phone or checking e-mail, it's too easy to get sucked in for a few hours," she says. She also took the very simple and concrete step of disconnecting the phone in her bedroom. "I need a reprieve at night. It's amazing how much less tempting a ringing phone is if it's not right by your side." Melody Campbell-Goeken, a hotel executive in San Antonio and a mom of a 7-year-old son, became so fed up with being tethered to her cell phone when she was an account manager at a PR agency that she changed jobs. She now finds the pace of life much more sane. "Not having to carry a cell phone all the time allows me a good excuse to be 'out of touch' after work and on weekends. The job still gets done, but on my terms. And my husband's elated. I can go out to dinner and on vacation without the fear of chaos calling!" Kathleen Barco, a mom of a 7-year-old and a PR manager for a health care company in San Jose, hasn't had as much success: "My daughter doesn't like that I work so much, so I make a point of volunteering in her classroom once a month. But during one field trip, my phone started to ring and there was a crisis at work (I was on call). I stood outside the supermarket they were visiting and handled calls for about a half hour. She's never let me forget that!" Weighing the Tech Trade-Off Of course, it's also easy to see what all of this technology has done for us: Changed the definition of "office." Tanowitz is delighted she's no longer tied to a demanding law firm: "My contact with clients and colleagues is often completely remote, so they have no idea whether their call or e-mail is coming into the office or my home. I like that people think I'm available all the time, even if I'm shopping with my kids." Kept us in closer contact. "It's up to you to use the technology to your benefit and not let it interfere with your personal life," says Sherri Pfefer of Miami, who works for a wireless service provider. "I have caller ID, so I don't answer the phone for unknown callers. I have two cell phones, one for personal use and one for business, so I always know which kind of call I'm getting." She's in communication with her two boys, ages 14 and 12, after school via instant messaging. Plus, she says, "I have a wireless e-mail pager, so they can also keep in touch with me that way -- and it allows me to read my company e-mail after hours or when I need personal time off to be with my family. All these devices have actually made my life easier, and I'm extremely grateful for them." If these women all sound like Supermom, it's because that's one expectation technology hasn't been able to improve upon. Working moms are still the most overloaded people on the planet, and the increased-availability factor may now be compounding the problem for many women. Think about it: They may be happy to be able to work overtime from home at night. But what happened to sweating out stress at the gym, escaping into a good book, or luxuriating in a bubble bath? For too many moms, life's little pleasures may be going the way of record albums, floppy disks, and soon, even VCRs. The need to always be faster, better, and more accessible is the ultimate catch-22 of technology -- whether you run on adrenaline or a computer chip. Stephanie Wood is coauthor of The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children (Regan Books).