I know it's difficult to maintain sanity and I was in the same boat with my son (who is also 4) even though he was my only child at the time (I am expecting my 2nd in July). For a long while he only listened to his father and wouldn't even speak to me or answer me when I spoke to him. Finally I had enough and implemented some very clear rules to him which I ALWAYS followed through on. 1) if he didn't listen I took something (a toy, book..anything that was important to him at the time) and he could scream and throw himself all over I didn't even look at him. Sometime he wouldn't talk to me for days but I held out, he didn't get it back until he apologized and told me WHY he was sorry. For lesser offenses he gets sent to his room and can't partake in family movie nights or games and that works now without having to take anything away where even when he says sorry I acknowledge and accept his apology but explain that he needs to understand what he did was rude and he can't treat Mommy like that so he still has to stay in his room for the rest of the evening. He pouts but the end result is lots of "Mommy I love you & I'm going to be a good boy for you" and he's MUCH different with everyone in his life. The end story I guess is to establish an action and consequence table and stick to it. Explain it to him with your husband there and make sure your husband enforces it too. Be calm and even if you're upset, walk away and refuse to address him until he calms down too. It's hard i won't lie, but VERY worth it. Good luck!