It breaks my heart to think about it, and as I type this, I have tears streaming down my face. I feel like I have lost the "connection" with my 4 yr old daughter. Due to her severe case of Autism, her behavior has been absolutely deplorable for the last 2 years, give or take. The challenges that I am met with daily have taken it's toll on my mind, and spirit. I'm a good mom, but over the last several months, I become filled with irritation whenever I look at my daughter. I don't even want to be around her anymore. That sounds horrible, I know. The days are extremely unpredictable with her. She wakes up on edge, and leaves the house for school the same way. I endure constant physical harm from her, whether intentional on her part or not. Let me put it to you this way: I have listened to numerous raging meltdowns that last for hours EVERY SINGLE DAY for years on end. I have been headbutted so hard that I ended up with a black eye. I have been punched, spit on, bit, and smacked on a regular basis. Would you want to be around her if she was your child? Her meltdowns consist of screaming at the top of her lungs, and when she gets angry enough, she begins to head bang the wall, floor, etc. I am then forced to restrain her in my arms to prevent her from injuring herself. She doesn't stop when it hurts, like some children. I'm baffled by all of this is so many ways. I understand that there is very little she can control, and therefore exercise the up most patience possible. Her condition has sent me into a deep depression. I am seeing a therapist, and I'm exploring the medication options, with myself and her. The future is unknown for her. I have grieved about the loss of a normal childhood for her. A normal life for our family. The only thing that remains consistent is that she progressively becomes worse.