Make rules clear up front...and punishments, too
Telling your babysitter what is, and isn't, permitted can go a long way toward making the night better for all -- as can letting your kids know she's the one in charge. Announce bedtimes in front of everybody to cut fibbing off at the pass. Also, be sure the sitter knows what types of punishments you practice: time-outs? Loss of TV? Be specific about what you want her to do if your kids aren't angels. Slacking on the rules when she comes actually makes her job harder.
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I've made a lot of bad rules in the decade I've been a mom, from irrational threats ("No graham crackers in the house ever again if you eat them in the living room even one more time") to forbidding human nature ("You may not fight with your sister"). But occasionally I've come up with rules that work better than I'd ever contemplated. These made-up rules have an internal logic that defies easy categorization, but their clarity and enforceability make them work. Several of them are not, technically, rules at all, but declarations of policy or fact. And they're all easy to remember. A few personal favorites, plus those of other moms:
Rule #1: You can't be in the room when I'm working unless you work, too
Goal: Get your child to help, or stop bugging you, while you do chores
It might seem odd, but I don't mind doing laundry, cleaning floors, or really any kind of housework. But I do mind my kids, oblivious to the fact that my arms are full of their underwear, asking me to find their missing doll shoe or do a puzzle with them. Until recently, this was a source of great frustration, especially when our household grew to five kids when my husband, Taylor, and I became temporary foster parents for two months.
I tried to explain to my expanded brood that if they helped me fold laundry, we could do something together sooner. But they knew I'd be available anyway if I finished folding myself, so the argument wasn't compelling.
And then one day, as my oldest foster daughter sat and watched me work, asking me favors and waiting for me to be done, I came up with a rule that takes into account two important facts about kids:
* They actually want to be with you as much as possible.
* You can't force them to help you in any way that is truly helpful.
I played fact one against fact two and told her that she didn't have to help me but couldn't just sit and watch. She had to go elsewhere. Given a choice between being with me and folding laundry or not being with me at all, she took option one.
Why it works: I didn't care which she chose. And it was her choice, so it gave her control even as it took it away.
Contributing editor Barbara Rowley is searching for rules that will work with Smokey, the family dog.
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