Unicorns. Dragons. Bigfoot. A husband who, on any given Monday, cooks dinner and does the dishes, then puts the kids to bed while you read a magazine and relax.
If your first thought was "No such husband exists," you're correct. Neither do unicorns, dragons, or Bigfoot. They're myths, and obvious ones at that. The realm of parenting has its own myths as well, which have taken hold and become gospel. They often have a grain of truth in them, though, and fit in with modern notions about child development, which is why they're so hard to dispel. But because it's our kids we're talking about, they're not harmless fictions like unicorns and dragons. Some big myths about raising children, and how to move beyond them:
Myth #1: You know your child better than anyone
The partial truth: Who knows better than you that your son loves bananas but hates peaches? "Naturally, a parent knows her child's temperament and if he's hungry or tired or irritated," says Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., a clinical and research psychologist at Harvard who specializes in children and adolescents. But you don't need a shrink to tell you that.
The bigger picture: As well as you know your child, you have a limited, biased opinion. You're blinded by love. "Parents tend not to be objective," says Kindlon. "Teachers and daycare workers, on the other hand, see a range of kids and may have a better sense of how a child fits into a spectrum. They can offer a parent a new, different perspective."
Ignore others' observations at your child's peril. "Jordy was a typical three-year-old, sometimes listening to me, sometimes ignoring me if something else was going on," says Trudi Roth, a mom of two in Los Angeles. "When he entered preschool, the teacher called me in and said she thought Jordy might have a hearing problem. I blew it off at first, but then I started to notice things. He always wanted to blast the TV. I asked him questions at louder and louder volumes before he'd acknowledge me. We had tests done, and our pediatrician agreed that Jordy does have diminished hearing."
This myth is further undermined by the fact that your child's personality shifts as he interacts with people other than you and segues from home settings to public ones. Whether at preschool or at a friend's house, your child is likely to present whatever version of himself will help him fit in. He may discover some fears when you're not by his side, or maybe new strengths. He won't be a totally different person, but he's likely to be unlike the kid you experience every day.
The upshot: Be open to who your child really is. As he grows, he may surprise you -- with his bravery, his sensitivity, his abilities, and his dreams.
Contributing editor Valerie Frankel's new novel, Hex and the Single Girl, will be published in March 2006.
