Is your kid being bullied?

There were signs that my son was being bullied -- I just didn't recognize them. Here's what to watch for:

• Your child loved preschool but now doesn't want to go.

• He complains of bellyaches or headaches before being dropped off at a playdate, daycare, or preschool.

• He no longer wants to play with a child he once liked.

• He repeatedly tells you a certain kid is "bothering," "bugging," or being mean to him.

• He suddenly becomes withdrawn, depressed, fearful, or clingy.

• He makes derogatory remarks about himself, like "I'm a loser," "I'm stupid," or "No one likes me."

• He has unexplained boo-boos. Little kids get bumps and bruises when they play, but if your child seems to have more than a normal amount or "forgets" the details of getting hurt, it might warrant a closer look.

Is your kid the problem?

• Does your child need to feel powerful and in control?
• Is she hot-tempered or quick to resort to aggression?
• Does she feel she does no wrong?
• Does she show little empathy for others' feelings?
• Is she aggressive toward adults?

Don't panic if you answered yes to any of these questions. It doesn't necessarily mean your child is a bully. But a child with these traits can turn into a bully, so pay close attention. The biggest red flag is if your child seems to enjoy insulting, shaming, or attacking other kids. If so, ask your pediatrician if there's a therapist you can see. It's worrisome behavior, but it can be dealt with. For any kid who gets close to or crosses the line:

Talk about playtime. A few reminders about empathy and kindness may tame the insensitive antics. If that doesn't work, try time-outs or cutting playdates short.

Discuss consequences. Explain that if the bullying continues, the other kids won't want to play with him.

Have him right the wrong. For instance: The boy who bullied my son could have invited my son to play in the fort or made him a construction-paper pirate hat.

Praise his efforts. Be specific: "I like the way you invited someone new to play."

Deborah Carpenter, a mom of two, is the author of The Everything Parent's Guide to Dealing with Bullies, out in July.

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