When aggression goes too far

There are times, though, when a child's behavior will go beyond typical tantrums, and a stern talking-to just won't cut it. She may intentionally hit a friend with a toy or take a Barbie squabble over the line by actually ripping off the dolls' heads. Leslie Ann Marcantel of Deweyville, Texas, is concerned about her 3 1/2-year-old son's temper. "If Joe Ray doesn't get his way or his Lego building doesn't work out just right, he not only throws a tantrum, he'll often storm out and kick or punch the walls," she says.

It's particularly hard for moms when their kids' aggression hurts others. Julie Marchese of Vernon Hills, Illinois, was shocked when, at a baseball game, she spotted Michael, her then 4 1/2-year-old, up on a small hill nearby, gunning for another child. "Michael had his arms wrapped around the other boy and was trying to throw him down the hill," Marchese recalls. "I ran up and asked what he was doing, and Michael just shrugged and said, 'He was bugging me.' I've been worried and wondering what's going on. His older brothers aren't this way."

Most children stop roughhousing when playtime is over. "When kids take off the costume (metaphorically speaking), they're no longer the vicious person. But some kids don't take off the costume," says Michele Borba, mom of three and author of Don't Give Me That Attitude!

Researchers say genetics plays a role, but a child's environment tends to dictate how "mean genes" affect behavior. Indeed, an aggressive child is more likely than a mild-mannered one to have poor impulse control and judgment, and less likely to understand that hitting and kicking aren't the best ways to express herself  -- particularly if she's provoked, stressed out, exposed to violence on TV and in video games, experiences violence at home or in her neighborhood, or even simply isn't getting enough sleep. The biggest indicator of whether a child will be aggressive, though, is her family. The more physical the punishment meted out, the more conflict, tension, and poor communication between parents and other members of the household, the more aggressive the child living through it, says Watson.

If a child's temper flares up constantly  -- both at home and while playing with friends  -- trouble could be brewing. With these kids, anger, not play, is the driving force. Some parents might be tempted to allow this kind of aggressive behavior, thinking that it's a good way for kids to let off a little steam. "It actually does the opposite, because once you're aroused, it can take you twenty minutes to calm down," says Patrick Tolan, Ph.D., director of the University of Illinois at Chicago's Institute for Juvenile Research. Indeed, too much aggression can even be bad for kids' health. A recent study in two countries shows that hostile children and adolescents are up to 300 percent more likely to become obese and insulin resistant and to have high cholesterol and high blood pressure.

To calm extremely aggressive behavior, try to figure out what's behind the anger. If it happens only at home, run through possible triggers. Your child may be railing against an overbusy schedule or lashing out over a big life change, such as moving to a new house. If her aggression plays itself out mostly at school, talk to the teacher to see if she's having problems there  -- perhaps she's being picked on or is having trouble with her schoolwork. Or go directly to the source: Talk to her about what's been bugging her. If you can do this without being judgmental, she'll appreciate that you're willing to listen. It's also important to set limits. Make it clear that aggressive behavior, particularly the type that hurts others, is not acceptable. Show your child appropriate ways of coping with frustration  -- taking a deep breath, leaving the room, or lying down on her bed  -- and resolving conflicts on her own.

You should also pay attention to your child's exposure to movies, music, and video and computer games with questionable content. But don't freak out if she catches the occasional gory movie or plays a Spider-Man video game every once in a while: Violent viewing can be linked to aggressive behavior, but it's not the sole cause of it. What's more important is that you talk to her about the messages such movies and games may be sending, and remind her there are other ways to handle similar real-life situations.

You may be amazed that such small changes can make such a big difference. But growing minds take in everything around them, and with the right mix of understanding and guidance from you, even the toughest little bully can learn to stand down.

Diane Benson Harrington is the managing editor of Freelance Success, a newsletter and website for writers. She lives in Madison, Wisconsin.

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