Talking back to grown-ups

Why your child wants discipline: Kids can't help trying out words and ways of talking they've overheard from friends. Believe it or not, though, they want you to teach them how far they can go -- to set the boundaries of acceptable talk. So ungrit your teeth and consider sassy talk a plea for disciplinary guidelines: "Can I talk like this to grown-ups? Will you let me?" Your answer (in more helpful words, of course) will be: "No way, buddy!"

Kids also want to be reassured that adults are different from playmates, that they can't speak to you the same way they would to another child. Respectful talk implies that adults are in charge, which means your child feels safe and doesn't have to guess about how to behave.

What to do: Insist that your child use polite words, even if he has to repeat the sentence three or four times to get it right. Some life lessons are like multiplication tables: They require constant repetition before they sink in.

That means you've got to resist the urge to snap back, "Don't you dare talk to me that way!" That's only showing him you think that kind of talk is effective, says Elizabeth Pantley, a parenting educator and author of The No-Cry Discipline Solution. "Instead, squat down to your child's level, look him in the eye, and calmly but firmly say, 'I'd like you to try again. How about 'Mom, I really want to play a bit longer on the playground,'" suggests Pantley.

If you can comply with his now-polite request, do so. Otherwise, say, "I hear you and I know what you want. But we don't have time to stay today. It's time to leave."

If your child mouths off to another adult, take him aside and give him the words to apologize. Remember: He's a rookie in the art of polite conversation. If he refuses to change his words, offer the apology yourself, and talk to your child later about how you expect him to speak to adults.

Breaking rules with a buddy

Why your child wants discipline: Children -- especially very young ones -- don't do well with peer pressure. They need you, the adult, to help enforce the house rules. And once your child's 5 or so, she'll be relieved to know she can use you as her excuse to get out of stuff she doesn't want to do ("That's against our rules -- my mom will just make us clean up"). It's a chance to teach your child how to handle peer pressure so she'll be ready when she's older and the stakes are higher, says Pantley.

What to do: Channel your inner actress and try to remain calm while telling the kids you're unhappy about, say, the way they've colored on the wall. It's tough, no doubt about it. It's tempting to flip when you know your child knows better, but it can tickle kids to know they got under your skin.

Sit the pair down and ask (sternly -- remember, this is discipline), "Where do we draw with crayons? Are walls the same as paper? What can you do now?" Then get out the cleaning supplies and show them how to scrub. Yes, you might have to do more later on, but rest assured: They've learned that when they make a mess, they clean it up.

If the kids have broken some other rule, like jumping on the bed or pestering the dog, you should still step in and tell them what's what, but you don't need to make up a punishment. Getting in trouble will chastise most kids. And you probably don't even need to send the other child home. "If you've handled the situation well, the kids will likely be sweet as pie afterward," says Pantley.

If your child seems downright relieved when you firmly step in, here's why: She can't verbalize it, but she may be thinking: "Thank goodness! The cavalry has arrived. I don't have to handle this battle alone."

And that's an important experience for her: When she's older, that feeling of safety and order will become the cornerstone of her own self-discipline.

Teri Cettina is the sometimes-calm mom of two mostly well-behaved daughters. She also writes for Real Simple and Better Homes and Gardens.