Acceptance As a Working Mom

Statistics seem to show that society is slowly becoming more accepting of moms who work. A national study in 1997 showed that about 50 percent of adults polled said it was better for moms to stay home, down from the 70 percent who said this in 1977. The gradual change, says Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families and Work Institute, is due to the fact that almost every extended family these days includes at least one working mother. "Experience does make a difference in whether you feel it's okay," she says. But clearly, these statistics also indicate that many people are still uncomfortable with the whole idea of combining work and motherhood.

Years ago, when I was single and knew everything about how I was going to raise a child, I never expected I'd find myself feeling so alienated from another group of moms. But perhaps the divide remains deep because the reality is so powerful: Being a mother is much more demanding and rewarding than anyone can really anticipate. When I had a baby and fantasy time ended, I felt simultaneously that I was dying to get back to the comparative serenity of work and that I couldn't bear to be away from my child for more than an hour.

It's gotten a little easier as my daughter has ventured into preschool. But when I come face to face with moms who have chosen not to work, the guilt and anxiety I feel are reflexive. I worry that they think I'm selfish and a bad mother. I worry that maybe I think I am too. (In brighter moments, I consider that they may just resent the idea that while they're warming up fish sticks, I'm enjoying an expense-account lunch --or even simply a meal with a grown-up.)

Of course, some of this self-doubt is a part of parenthood that will never go away. "When it comes to being the mother of a very young child, there's the fear that what you're doing is wrong when it comes to feeding, sleeping, or bathing," says Galinsky. "The stakes are so high." When another mom does something differently, those anxieties are stirred and there's often, perhaps as a defense, an impulse to put down anyone who makes a different choice.

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