How much help you have
While you and your partner may not always agree on how to get your baby to sleep, you'll need each other's support - whether it's another set of arms when yours ache, or a hand to squeeze when your child's crying it out. If your current sleep methods are pulling you apart instead of bringing you together, it's time to regroup. Georgia mom Claire spent so much time rocking her daughter to sleep in the first year that some nights she didn't see her husband. "It put a strain on our relationship," she says. After months of his urging, she tried putting Mia in her crib while still awake. Mia's wails made Claire frantic, but her husband convinced her to keep trying. Now, says Claire, "She's asleep in five minutes. She's better off -- and so are we."
Hollace Schmidt"
Experts and moms weigh in on the ideal age difference between kids - Parenting.com
When you don't have a choice
Sometimes the twists and turns of life narrow your choices or eliminate them completely. Jennifer Lawler of Eudora, Kansas, always thought having four kids sounded perfect. But when her daughter Jessica was born with life-threatening health problems and Lawler's uterine fibroids compromised future pregnancies, she and her husband knew Jessica would be their only child. Lawler says, "Raising our daughter was going to take a lot of emotional, physical, and financial resources. If I had any more children, I didn't think I could handle it."
Time made the situation easier. "It's a process of acceptance," says Lawler. "One thing that was helpful for me was not to focus on the past or the future. I put my energy toward making this the brightest moment. There were times when we thought Jessica wouldn't live, talk, or walk. She's done all those things, so I feel relief and gratitude."
Answering to everyone
As you work out what's best for your family, you'll face some tough questions all around:
... from yourself
Laura Miller of Ottawa, Kansas, mom to Emma, 6, is undecided about having more children. "If finances and circumstances ever allow, we might have another child," she says. "But we're happy the way our family is now." She admits she still has fears. "My husband and I both have brothers and sisters -- I can't imagine not having them to lean on. But after we're gone, Emma will be alone."
In my darkest moments, I've been known to worry about the unthinkable: With no other children, what would I do if I lost Oliver? But, of course, parents of onlies don't own the front and center on worry. "Parents fear for all their children," says Newman. "Families with a number of children are equally devastated and blown apart when a child dies -- the pain is no less just because you have others." We need to accept that something so dramatic as death is highly unlikely and try not to live our lives in a state of anxiety.
...from others
"The pressure to have a second child is often greater than for the first," says Newman. But the fact is that the friends, family, and even strangers who are exerting pressure aren't the ones who'll be caring for these future children till they reach adulthood. After Lawler's daughter was born, she answered her questioners with "We're going to take care of Jessica."
Sometimes intrusive questions and opinions can drive us nuts, which is why it can be helpful to look within before lashing out.
"When you are affected by this pressure, it means you're looking for that person's approval," says Jeffers. "Ask yourself, 'Why am I reacting this way? Am I afraid of criticism from this person?' As soon as you stop needing their approval, you can relax and appreciate the decision you made." Once a mom is feeling calmer, she can answer the critics with, say, "I understand you really want this, but it's not right for me" or "Well, thanks for passing on your ideas."
.. from your child
It happens: Many onlies will ask -- loudly, often -- for a little brother or sister, or wonder aloud why they're stuck being an only child. A straightforward answer is the best bet, says Lise Youngblade, Ph.D., associate director of the Institute for Child Health Policy at the University of Florida in Gainesville. "The last thing parents want to do is get into a negotiation," she says. Instead, respond with something like "We've decided that our family size is just right. There are lots of different kinds of families, and this is how ours is."
With an older child, you can point out that many of the advantages he enjoys as an only -- his own specially decorated bedroom, for instance, or the one-on-one time he has with Mom and Dad -- may be things he wouldn't have with a brother or sister. You can also try asking your child what he thinks would be the benefits of having a sibling. It could be as simple as having a bunk bed.
If a child's demands don't abate, Jeffers points out that "children complain, period." Parents with two or three kids sometimes hear, "Mommy, it's time to send the baby back to the hospital."
In my case, it took me time to say goodbye to my fantasy daughter, but when Oliver was 18 months old, I finally said to Scott, "Let's do it," on the vasectomy.
I'm very happy with my son and our decision, and I've looked for other ways to indulge my daughter needs. I volunteered as a Big Sister and counseled a 15-year-old on boyfriends. When I spot cute girly-girl dresses, I buy them for my friend's daughters. And I console myself that when I go through menopause, there won't be two hormonal women under this roof.
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