Recently Lucy Marks's* marriage fell apart, leaving her caring for two young children alone while trying to revive very rusty job skills. "But I've had so much help from my friends," says the Prosper, Texas, mom. "They take care of the kids while I go to job interviews, and they're constantly inviting us over for dinner."

Whatever the crisis, we all get by with a little help from our friends. But we may need to lean a little harder on them when we have kids. A mom who's on the verge of falling apart still has to pull herself together for her children.

And to make things more difficult, kids tend to get even needier during crunch time: The reduced attention, the change in routine, and an atmosphere of anguish can make them clingiest just when Mom needs some space. So how can you lend a hand? Here's what moms say has been most appreciated.

A sympathetic ear

"The best emotional support I received was from friends who really let me talk about how I was feeling," says Cathy O'Shaughnessy, a Glenview, Illinois, mom whose son Kyle, 8, was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes when he was 2. "No matter how sad or angry I was on any given day, they didn't act uncomfortable or judgmental. Talking to them helped me reach a point of acceptance about Kyle's illness, which in turn helped me get proactive about his care."

Just listening to a friend is especially important when the crisis affects more than one parent, and each one is trying to be strong for the other. To be a good listener:

Give her time. The desire to talk often extends well past the height of the crisis. Jinny Breedlove of Katy, Texas, needed to talk about her stillborn second son long after his death. "Many of my friends, without saying so directly, let me know that it was time to stop talking about him," says Breedlove. "But I had one friend who kept calling for months after our son diedÑostensibly to chat but really to listen to me. It meant so much that she called for so long, and that all she did was listen."

Don't try to solve the problem. "We all have a tendency to want to rescue someone we love, but charging in just makes people feel incompetent and overwhelmed," says Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, Ph.D., a research associate at the Family Research Laboratory, University of New Hampshire, and author of The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood: Coping With Mothering Stress, Depression, and Burnout.

Focus on what your friend is feeling now. Three years ago, when her 12-year-old daughter, Amanda, became blind as a consequence of bacterial meningitis, Christine Shirley of rural Tennessee was furious at the number of people who implied that blindness wasn't so bad anymore. "I wasn't ready to admit that my daughter was never going to see again, and they had already moved on to the wonderful adaptive equipment available to her," says Shirley.

Respect her privacy. You don't need to know exactly how much child support your friend's divorce attorney is demanding or what type of cancer treatment she's getting. Very personal questions may make her feel her privacy is being invaded, says Leah Klungness, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice in Locust Valley, New York, and coauthor of The Complete Single Mother. Nonspecific expressions of concern -- "Oh, that sounds so hard!" or "You must feel so frustrated!" -- are much better ways to show genuine interest.

Emotional support

Whether or not your friend opens up to you, you can still bolster her strength to get her through a tough time. A few possibilities to try:

Send loving notes. A card or even an e-mail saying "I'm thinking of you" is always welcome. If you can include a compliment -- "You're doing such a good job dealing with this; it must be so hard to do it all!" -- it's even better. A kind reminder of the courage your friend is showing can end up helping her feel empowered.

Offer to be a companion at difficult appointments. Women who've suffered a miscarriage can find it excruciating to keep appointments with the ob-gyn, whose waiting rooms are always filled with pregnant women. Someone with a seriously ill relative may be daunted by the medical jargon. A divorcing mom can feel outgunned at court appearances. An offer to go along at such times can be a great gift.

Make a point of remembering the dead. When a friend has lost a loved one, a phone call on that person's birthday or other signifi ant anniversary will be a comfort when the rest of the world has moved on.

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