A helping hand

Forget the phrase "If there's anything I can do, please let me know." Many people don't feel comfortable asking for help, others simply don't have time to call around until they find someone available, and still others are too disoriented to remember what actually needs to be done. "You just can't think straight when something huge is going on in your life," says Kremer. So make your offers as specific as possible:

Keep an eye on her kids. "When my mother died several years ago, what helped the most were offers to take the kids to the movies, for a visit, anything that gave them some respite from the problems at home," says San Antonio mom Luanna Crow. "The friends who extended kindnesses to my children helped me cope as well."

With very small kids, who often don't like changes in routine, the best help is an offer to go over while your friend gets out, rather than an invitation to keep them at your own house, says Rebecca Brooks, a mother of two young sons in South Orange, New Jersey. Last year Brooks's mother was fighting a long battle with brain cancer, and "whenever there was an emergency with her care, a friend would be at my house in an instant to watch my kids," Brooks remembers.

Fill her fridge. There's no end to the number of ways you can make sure no one misses a meal while Mom's dealing with a crisis. Organize volunteers to take turns bringing kid-friendly meals or stock your friend's freezer with nutritious heat-and-eat entrees. Easiest of all, you could give her gift certificates to takeout services that cover more than one restaurant, or buy her a supply of paper plates and plastic cutlery. When you're heading to the grocery store, call to see if you can pick up any staples like bread, milk, or diapers.

Lighten her load. Every mom's calendar is overflowing with family responsibilities. Try taking some chores off her list -- take her place in the carpool, lend a hand at birthday parties, or offer to help with kids' homework.

Help with the house. Few women will feel comfortable letting you come in and clean their house or cut their grass. But they may welcome a gift certificate (try going in on it together with friends) for a cleaning person or a lawn service. Susan Wilson, a mother of two in Newton, Iowa, has also found that an offer of help that's phrased as a social visit -- "I was thinking of coming over to catch up with you. Why don't we fold some laundry while we talk?" -- can put a friend in need at ease.

If she's truly unwilling to accept practical help, don't push it. You don't want to make her feel like a charity case. On the other hand, sometimes all it takes to nudge someone into accepting a gift is to make her realize that it would make you feel better if she did: Say, "I've been feeling so frustrated that I can't make this sad situation any better for you. Won't you let me come over and watch the kids for a couple of hours while you go to the movies or go grab a coffee?"

Putting it that way may help your friend see that sometimes one of the greatest gifts we give each other is the opportunity to lend a hand. Chances are good that your friend will be able to return the favor -- if not directly to you, then to someone else -- at some point down the road.

Margaret Renkl is a contributing editor to Parenting.