"I couldn't believe it when I heard that my four-month-old always slept through the night at my in-laws'," says one mom, a nurse who occasionally works nights and whose husband travels frequently. "Then I found out they were putting Carrie down to sleep on her tummy -- which I know is a huge risk for sudden infant death syndrome. I really flipped out then."

The trick is to be firm without looking like you're accusing your in-laws of deliberately putting their grandkid in danger. As calmly as you can, tell them it makes you feel too uncomfortable when they do things their way. You can say, "I know things were different when you were raising kids, but our doctor insists on [whatever safety measure they're flouting] and we need to be absolutely sure everyone is following her instructions." They may still think it's all overkill, but they're more likely to understand that you're simply following doctor's orders -- not criticizing their ability to take care of a child.

THEY INTERFERE

"It's hard for grandparents not to give advice on child rearing because they care so much about the kids," points out Susie Kohl, author of The Best Things Parents Do and a mother-in-law herself. But some advice isn't welcome -- and may be dead wrong. If your in-laws tell you to spank a child who's throwing a tantrum, just state your position directly: "We think time-outs work really well with Evan." Then let it go; you don't need to convert your in-laws to your position. When Kohl herself oversteps, her daughter-in-law says, "Don't worry, I can handle it," and then changes the subject.

But sometimes you can't just blow it off. One California mom was outraged when her in-laws decided to give her 3-year-old "speech therapy" (which they weren't qualified to do in the first place) when they were babysitting. "They kept telling me that David talks funny, and I kept telling them that his pediatrician wasn't worried," says the mom. "But one day when I got to their house to pick up my son, he was talking with his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. He was self-conscious about his speech for a long time after that."

When in-laws overstep their bounds like that, let them know how angry and upset you are, but soften the message by saying, "I know you're trying to help, but this is a sensitive issue and we'd like to handle it ourselves." Your in-laws need to know that you are the parent: They had their shot at raising kids, and now they have no choice but to follow your lead, whether they agree or not.

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