Renegotiate who does what

If you haven't already, split responsibilities according to what each of you cares about most or does best. Or if you both hate or don't have time for a particular chore, trade off.

That's how Nathan Corser and Kristen Minor of Portland, Oregon, balance family duties. "I fold the towels a specific way and feel strongly about it, so that's become one of my chores," Nathan says. "Kristen couldn't care less about towels but loves to cook, and I depend on her for that." Every week, they also decide together who will take Owen, 11, and Eleanor, 9, to school each day.

Accept it: Sometimes you're in charge

Many women say they don't want their husbands to just "help out" with chores  -- they want them to take the initiative and do them. But then they tend to micromanage.

Back to Jenny and Marc Fink. They recently agreed that he'd take over the household laundry on weekends. "But he has no idea whose clothes are whose," says Jenny. "He ends up asking our four-year-old to help him. It drives me nuts! I'm like, 'Don't you see these children wearing the clothes? Can't you tell their sizes apart?'"

Harrington suggests they "dispense with the blame and approach this purely as a training issue. It's tough to solve a problem when you're focused on whether your partner is trying to tick you off." Then, she says, they can use "The Sandwich" communication technique. Finally, Jenny can give her husband a little help as he takes over. "Yes, that means the wife becomes the job supervisor. As much as we hate that, it's reality," says Harrington. "Someone has to be in charge, and most women are trained better to do these things than men." (Note to moms of boys: Train them now.)

And don't expect your husband to mind-read your task lists. I'm guilty of asking mine to do something vague like "spiff up the kitchen." I assume he knows I mean wipe the counters and sweep the floor, but he wants specifics. Harrington assures me this is typical husband-and-wife stuff: Women generally expect men to notice what needs to be done. Most men expect direct requests for their help.

A good team also agrees on the work terms and schedule. So if one of you stays home with the children, will you also do weekday chores? Or will you do family errands and upkeep together on the weekends? Will you each commit to a certain amount of time doing chores per day? It doesn't really matter what you decide, as long as you both agree.

Do less or get help

Maybe you're arguing about getting it all done because you really can't. Your family has too many commitments and not enough time. If so, consider a little benign neglect  -- cutting back on noncritical chores or activities.

Do you really need to chauffeur your kindergartner to twice-weekly T-ball practices and swimming lessons? Would one activity be enough? Is it crucial to vacuum every inch of your home each week? Could you get by vacuuming just the high-traffic areas instead?

Another alternative: Pay for help. Even if it's a stretch financially, it can be worth it if those most-hated chores actually get done (without arguing).

Don't budge on free time

Sometimes couples think they're arguing about how much time they each spend doing chores when they're really angry about how much nonchore time they get. In other words, they both really want more free time.

This is when you should insist on true equality, not just fairness. No martyrs allowed. If your husband plays poker once a week, you should also have a regularly scheduled night to do whatever you want. "Even if you don't really feel like doing something outside the house, why can't Dad take the kids out so you can have quiet time?" says Harrington. "Or you could hole up in your bedroom and read a book  -- whatever it takes for you to decompress."

Be patient

Shake off the fact that you've given the kids their last two baths and missed work to chaperone a field trip. As the two of you work to become a better chore team, your husband might step up  -- though his pace may not quite match yours.

Case in point: Our youngest daughter recently woke up in the middle of the night and threw up all over her favorite quilt. My sweet husband took care of the whole mess without even elbowing me. I was thrilled.But then he tiptoed back to bed, leaned over and whispered, "Um, honey? Tonight's vomit session should really get me extra points, don't you think?"

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