The first
great gadget for fathers was the vas deferens. I like to imagine that this
vital duct in the male reproductive system -- like every gadget available today
-- once had its own product launch party.
It's 50,000 B.C., and cavemen and cavewomen are standing around eating grilled
mammoth and gossiping about each other. "Ugh, look at that pelt. That is so Paleozoic." The big unveiling reveals that not only is the vas
deferens the best tool for producing babies, it comes standard with each member
of the male species.
Thousands of years later, even as in-vitro fertilization and artificial
insemination threaten to make the vas deferens an inferior product, dads still
love a great gizmo. Men have an innate attraction to technology; we relate to
it in a way that women simply don't. Just check out any holiday gift guide
aimed at dads, and you'll see an endless array of digital cameras, portable GPS
and gaming systems. A few grill utensils might break up the high-tech monotony,
but chances are the spatula has a built-in thermometer and Doppler radar.
The good news for moms: There are plenty of doo-hickeys than can help us modern
dads sharpen our parenting skills. Most of us already have a handheld device
with a calendar (schedule the PTA meeting), camera (memory saver) and task pad
(don't forget the dry cleaning!). So just imagine what would happen if moms
actually encouraged us to maximize
this technology.
Let's face it: Mothers have a very
precise idea about how the parenting should go (feed here, play there, poop
here, sleep there), but no one likes having to explain the specifics repeatedly
(otherwise known as nagging). So, instead of having to provide an endless
stream of instructions, wouldn't it be easier if we took direction from our
BlackBerrys? If us guys have an innate response to technology, I say let the
technology tell us what to do. When my BlackBerry plays a catchy calypso tune
to remind me to pick up Swimmies, I think, "I have put technology to work for
me. I am the smartest man alive!"
Still not
sold? Consider the new Baby Tracker: Diapers app. It allows users to enter the
time of baby's bowel movement and choose an appropriate description (seedy,
soft, etc.) and color. There's a reason pediatricians ask for this information
during the first weeks and months. I have no idea what that reason is, but
you'll want the data handy nonetheless. It may sound a little wacky, but from
Pop's point of view, Baby Tracker: Diapers turns baby's poop schedule into a
video game. The bad news is he may never look at a Benjamin Moore color chart
the same way again.
Mom: "How were George's poops
today?"
Dad: "The first one was Serengeti
Sand. The other was Appalachian Spring, with a hint of August Morning."
Still, I
think it's worth it, because when the vas deferens becomes obsolete, the rest
of me will be the best fathering gizmo on the market.