Protecting preschoolers and grade-schoolers

"See. You're a dirty little girl. You like it." That's what Anne Lee's great-uncle told her when he began fondling her during summers at the family's vacation house. She was 4 years old.

"The tragedy is, I believed him and felt too ashamed to tell my parents," says Lee, who's now the mom of a 10-year-old daughter. At the same time, Lee's behavior was a cry for help: "Here we had this wonderful place on a beautiful crystal lake, and I was begging not to go."

Although there are no numbers available regarding boys, the incidence of molestation and sexually motivated abductions of girls more than triples by the time children reach grade school. This isn't surprising, considering that as kids get older, they're out of their parents' sight more often. To protect them despite this change:

Reduce accessibility
There's no substitute for direct supervision. "Offenders look for ease of approach and ease of retreat," says Monique Boudreaux, Ph.D., a consultant with the Child Abduction and Serial Murder Investigative Resources Center, in Quantico, Virginia, and a mom of two. So plop down on a lawn chair when your kids play outside; take the phone along or let the voicemail pick up to avoid having your attention diverted.

Before your child visits a friend's home, get to know the parents or try to spend time there. If you're not comfortable, have them play at your house.

At your child's daycare or school, find out if there's an "open-door policy"  -- that is, an open door or unobstructed window should allow any classroom to be visible from the hallway at all times.

If you've chosen family daycare for your child, make it clear that she should never be left with anyone other than the primary caregiver without your prior approval. When babysitters come into your home, establish ground rules as to who else is allowed in the house while you're away.

Attend your child's practices, lessons, and other extracurricular activities, or send someone you trust. Relax on the sidelines, but be aware of how coaches and instructors interact with your child.

Never ignore the protests of a child who expresses reluctance or fear about spending time with a particular adult, even a relative or close family friend. Avoid leading questions, but assure your child that he won't get in trouble for telling you what's going on.

Reduce desirability
Advertising your child's name on the outside of backpacks and other personal items can draw unwanted attention. "We know that some offenders literally stalk children to gain information about them," says Boudreaux. "Knowing your child's name helps them." At the very least, it can make it easier for a molester to directly gain a child's trust.

In a more literal sense, reducing desirability means not dressing young children in alluring clothing, accessories, or makeup. Interviews with convicted child molesters suggest that a provocative appearance plays a significant role in the selection of victims.

Reduce vulnerability
Although it's important not to lay the responsibility of protecting themselves solely on the tiny shoulders of preschoolers, they are old enough to learn that their bodies are their own and that the parts normally covered by underwear or a swimsuit shouldn't be touched or seen by others, with the exception of a parent or trusted caregiver at bathtime or a doctor examining them with a parent or nurse present. They should understand that others should not be exposing or showing pictures of private parts to them. This sense of "owning one's body" begins with the child's privilege of saying no when he doesn't feel like hugging or kissing, even if that person happens to be Granddad  -- or you.

Similarly, don't tell your child to be a good boy (or girl) and do whatever his sitter (teacher/coach/neighbor) says. Boudreaux teaches her own kids reasonable and acceptable behavior while letting them know they have the right to politely but firmly say no if they're told to do something that doesn't seem right. It can help to playact nonscary scenarios in which your child should "talk back" to an adult.

Instead of teaching fear of strangers, Boudreaux also instructs her children to look for "a mommy with kids or a grandma" if they get separated from her in a store or elsewhere. (Recognizing a store clerk or security guard can be difficult for little ones.)

Reducing vulnerability means making sure your child feels safe coming to you about a disturbing or confusing situation or emotion. Tell her, in terms she can understand, that some adults  -- not very many, but some  -- try to touch or otherwise interact with children in inappropriate ways.

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