It's been my privilege to travel around the country and speak to young people, parents, and teachers about my first book, Queen Bees & Wannabes (the inspiration for the movie Mean Girls). I'm often met at the airport by someone from the school or organization where I'll be speaking. After a few minutes of pleasantries as we drive  -- whether I'm in Ohio, Georgia, California, or Australia  -- the same thing happens: The person lowers his or her voice and says, "You know, this Queen Bee stuff doesn't end in high school. Our faculty/PTA/staff/office is so cliquey. You really need to write about how adults act just like they did in high school."

Cliques form when we feel pressured to bond to survive a stressful experience  -- and there's not much that's more stressful than parenting. No one likes being labeled, but I believe that putting names to these cultural constructs can give us insight into group dynamics and into ourselves. Here, the kinds of moms I've met and learned about:

The entitled

Queen bee moms
Queen Bee Moms appear to have perfect lives. They're often very charming, and they really, really like being in charge. They're often coaches, class parents, or heads of the PTA. The hallmark of a Queen Bee Mom isn't that she's in a leadership position (not all class parents are Queen Bees); it's that she has to be in control. Here are some other telltale signs:

• She organizes her child's social activities 24/7; no free time allowed.

• If other parents don't like her, "that's because they're jealous."

• If someone else is in charge of something, it's because the Queen Bee Mom has explicitly permitted it, and even then, whatever "it" is, it has to be done her way.

• She's skilled at telling confidential sad/bad stories about another parent, child, or teacher  -- but she doesn't see this as gossiping. She shares the hard-luck story with the understanding that the person in question should be pitied, but her not-so-hidden message is that the person is pathetic, incompetent, or a social liability.

• When she or her child includes you or your child, you feel special. On the other hand, if you or your child has a run-in with her or her child, your dread of dealing with the situation propels you right back to junior high.

• She's a believer in the "let's let the kids work it out" parenting philosophy  -- until it's her kid who's being wronged.

• She won't apologize for her child's behavior. She sees other children as overly sensitive.

• If she or her child does apologize for something, they expect a return apology: "Well, I'm so sorry that you took it the wrong way."

Queen Bee Moms aren't dangerous to you or your child as long as you don't challenge them. They're often their own worst enemy, though, because they can't admit when they need help or feel overwhelmed.

From Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads, by Rosalind Wiseman with Elizabeth Rapoport. Copyright © 2006 by Rosalind Wiseman. Published by Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc.

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