The left out
Invisible momsInvisible Moms are well-meaning parents who attend school functions but never, ever say a word. They have a few close friendships with other Invisible parents.
I've seen these parents often as I've traveled, hugging the back wall in the auditorium, sitting silently. I've made direct appeals to them to speak out against the Entitled parents, but they let me know, mostly by downcast eyes, that they couldn't imagine doing so.
Outcast moms
Outcast Moms are out of it; they don't live in the "right" neighborhoods or go to the "right" church, or are raising their children alone. A woman who goes through a divorce, particularly when her financial stability suffers, can easily find herself an Outcast. These moms would be invisible but for characteristics that highlight their differences. They might be gay parents living in politically conservative communities, or people of a minority religion. But they can also be conservative parents who send their children to more liberal schools because of their academic excellence, or religious people in a secular community.
Outcast Moms are vulnerable to dismissal or attack even if they don't speak out or call attention to themselves. However, Outcast Moms can also enjoy the freedom of not having to worry about their social pecking order, which means they can sometimes take the risk of speaking out; what do they have to lose?
I'm describing these roles in hopes that we can better understand what motivates us. If you identify yourself or someone you know here, it doesn't mean that you or she is doomed to stay that way for the rest of your lives. It can be difficult for adults to change, but when we do, it's usually because we've come to realize our role is hindering our ability to have honest relationships.
Once you're able to figure out the emotional price you've paid for assuming a certain role as a mom, you can work on achieving three goals: having relationships with others in which you both feel respected and valued; having work inside and outside the home that reflects these relationships; and being the best parent you can possibly be. Life will still be messy -- because it always is -- but the process will feel a lot better.
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