"Don't overreact"

When Doris Cox of Blanco, Texas, sees her grandchildren at different stages, she would love to reminisce about raising her own kids, but dares not. "It's very easy to take what I say as, 'How we did it was the right way.' But the reasons I want to share are partly family history and mostly wanting my kids to know who I am," she says.

Many of us are more than a little insecure about what we're doing, and our relationship with our own parents may make us vulnerable to perceived slights. Especially if we're still fighting the same control battles that we had with our parents when we were teenagers. So if you get very huffy, make sure your thin skin isn't contributing to the problem. Take a deep breath and express your appreciation for their input. Then you can suggest (nicely!) that you have things under control.

"Trust us"
Giving instructions on how to treat your kids can put you on thin ice when it comes to intergenerational relations. My mother still smarts over the comment one of my brothers once made when he and his wife were leaving their three children with her. "Now, Mom," he said, "no confrontations with the kids."

My mother, who isn't afraid to discipline her grandchildren, felt it implied that she was needlessly assertive. Besides, she was bruised to think she needed any direction at all in the child-rearing arena.

While it must be clear that you're in charge, it's best not to be unrealistic in your expectations. "You can sit down together and discuss the basics and rules," says Dr. Kornhaber. "Then you need to give your parents twenty percent wiggle room."

Often you can find a way to convey your intentions in a manner that isn't dismissive. My sister reports that she says, "This is what I do before Rachel goes to bed. This is what I do if she wakes up in the middle of the night." That way she's not giving our parents commands.
Shelly Keith of Cypress Mill, Texas, used to get frustrated when her in-laws did something against her principles  -- say, serving canned vegetables instead of fresh  -- but she's learned to be less rigid. "If I pay a babysitter, I expect her to do what I want," says the mom of three. "But I expect my mother-in-law to get my kids' needs met to her standards. If she gets them met to mine, that's a bonus."

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