"Just ask us to pitch in"

My mother-in-law is ideal in many ways. She's circumspect about infringing on our time and never serves advice with the lemon cream pie she makes us. But because my own mother is so, shall we say, forthcoming, I wasn't sure what to think at first. Was my mother-in-law really that interested in her grandchildren?

I now know that she eagerly wants to be involved in their lives. "My own mother-in-law was very critical of me," she recently told me. "And I promised long ago that I was going to be a good mother-in-law." For her, that means sitting back and waiting for an invitation to jump in.

Many grandparents can be categorized as "Help When Asked" types, according to Don Schmitz, author of The New Face of Grandparenting. "Grandparents tend to believe that if they're not sure how to help, they are better off not being involved," he says. "When you ask them to lend a hand, their role is clearer and they don't feel as if they're interfering."

So if you're feeling overburdened, be specific when you ask your parents and in-laws for help. Giving them the chance to pitch in (or even turn you down) is a lot better than trying to guess what's on their minds.

Most grandparents also like to be asked for something else: their thoughts on child rearing. But many grown kids hesitate to do so. They're afraid that they're laying themselves open for a sock to the gut or simply feel their parents' experience doesn't apply today.

"I rarely ask for advice from my mother," says Jane Lee, a mom of one in San Leandro, California. "I'm Korean-American, and she grew up in Korea. I do carry on some traditions, but it's a different world now. Plus, I'm a working mom and she wasn't. A lot of things I'm dealing with she never had to."

But by not comparing notes, you may be missing out on a font of acquired wisdom and insight. "You can ask in a more general way, 'What did people do about this when you were raising kids?'" says Dr. Kornhaber. This type of question doesn't mean you have to do it their way, but it will bolster your relationship: Grandparents will feel that you appreciate their hard-won experience.

"Don't sweat the small stuff"
Your mom and mother-in-law have seen the whole process, from diapers to diplomas, and may know that some of the concerns that make us break out in a cold fret  -- such as a child not learning to read as quickly as his friends  -- don't necessarily make or break the child.

"I've learned over the years that you need to let the little things slide," says Ruth Thomas of Greenwood, South Carolina, a grandmother of nine. "I wish my four kids could learn that." Or, she adds, at least pay attention to what she thinks is a five-alarm problem  -- say, having good manners  -- and what's not  -- the way children want to cut their hair, for instance.

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