Begging for treats

Megan Oldfield of Danville, Pennsylvania, didn't want to be overly rigid with her daughter, Rainey, 4, so she didn't sweat a regular schedule. She and Rainey ate breakfast when they wanted, got dressed when they wanted, and generally had a good time living the loosey-goosey life. But after Oldfield had baby Lilla, she couldn't address Rainey's desires immediately. With no understanding of her mom's plans and needs, Rainey followed her around the house, begging to watch Barney.

Oldfield got tired of the back-and-forth and devised a morning schedule for Rainey, who now has a routine she must complete -- including eating breakfast and making her bed -- before she gets that precious video. And now that Rainey knows when she's going to watch Barney, she's stopped whining for it. As a bonus, Oldfield scores a 30-minute shower break.

My daughter's kindergarten teacher does something similar. She announces the schedule at the beginning of every day, so the kids know what they're in for, and what they'll get when they complete their work (recess and snack -- woohoo!). With their expectations grounded in a concrete system of routine (and rewards), the kids don't resort to chaos to get what they want. It's what I call a benevolent-dictator strategy, and if it works for 22 kids, it has to work for a family.

Insisting on being carried

Kids who otherwise have bionic legs tend to go boneless when there's a lot of walking to do. Last summer at Disneyland, Lucy decided she was too exhausted to make it back to our hotel. We had just one stroller, and Alice, 18 months, was asleep in it, so my husband and I took turns schlepping Lucy. Despite the transfers, she appeared to be sleeping. When we got to our room, however, Lucy found the energy to bounce on the bed and negotiate a dip in the pool.

She had her reasons for the too-tired act. Like other kids who do this, she probably was worn-out, hungry, and overwhelmed. And she definitely felt jealous of her sister, who got carried more because of her smaller size and greater need. In retrospect, we should have done a better job keeping her fed and we should have built more rest into the day. We also could have bargained with her for a short ride to, for instance, "that sign up ahead."

Or we could have simply offered her an alternative. When Robin Johnson, a veteran Seattle nanny, gets asked for a lift at a bad time, she says, "I'm not strong enough to carry you, sweetie. But I can hold your hand." This gives kids some of the contact they might be craving when they ask to be carried.

We're getting better at this. These days Lucy is able to walk to school, which is more than a mile from our house. And being a benevolent dictator has kept our routine and house in better order with two kids than with one -- something I never would have anticipated.

Even if you crack down on things relatively late in your parenting career, it works because our kids look to us to explain the world to them. Now if only I had a benevolent dictator who'd remind me to stop eating so much that I outgrow my pants. But I'm going to give myself a break on that one.

Martha Brockenbrough's book on grammar, Things That Make Us [Sic], will be published in October.

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