The jewellike moments of parenthood  -- when you and your lovelies sit quietly on the couch, talking about, say, the texture of marshmallows  -- are often sandwiched between madness and mayhem. The kids break rules and sometimes objects, to say nothing of a parent's patience. And although moms and dads throw around a lot of words, children rarely pay heed when you tell them what to do. Most of my requests (gentle or otherwise) for behavioral modification seem to be ignored or met with resistance. "In two- to seven-year-olds, ignoring your commands gives kids a feeling of power," says Thomas Phelan, Ph.D., a child psychologist in Glen Ellyn, IL, and author of 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. "Non-compliance is also a way to test boundaries, get attention, and make an impact," he says.

By "impact," Phelan means that children will purposely attempt to upset you and make your face turn the color of freshly spewed lava.

But putting an end to all this is easier than most of us realize. It mainly involves ending conversation as we know it when telling our kids what to do. "Adults use a communication style that takes decades to acquire and perfect," says child psychiatrist Denis Donovan, M.D., coauthor of What Did I Just Say!?!. "If parents try to reason with their children, or use subtle irony, the kids won't pick up on it." Their linguistic understanding is just too limited. But because grown-ups routinely use complex language, they tend to grossly overestimate the usefulness of talking when dealing with kids.

The universal truth in interior decorating also applies to effective communication with children: Less is more:

Less politeness ("Darling, would you mind terribly if I asked you to stop hitting your sister, please?")

Less explaining ("When you hit your sister, it makes her sad and hurts her feelings  -- and her arm")

Less repetition ("How many times do I have to tell you stop hitting your sister?")

And, most definitely, less volume ("STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER!!!").

Since that rules out the four most common methods of communication with kids, what's left? Here's how you can talk to kids so they listen:

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