Managing the challenges

So how, exactly, do we manage the challenges our kids pose on the playground and at birthday parties? The first step is to recognize that, for your child, these so-called antisocial behaviors actually serve as coping mechanisms. If you can figure out why she's acting the way she is, you can respond to her in a more supportive manner.

A feisty, passionate kid, for instance, might rush happily into a group situation but then bite a playmate because she has no other way to release strong feelings of anger or excitement. A shy, sensitive child might be easily overwhelmed by the stimulation of a group environment  -- say, at preschool or the playground  -- and need to withdraw. This doesn't mean she's not interested in her peers; it's her way of making the situation more manageable.

Grier Mathews, mom of Jake, 5, Grace, 2, and Kaley, 8 months, understands that when Grace gets territorial with toys at their local playground in Corte Madera, California, the resistance isn't so much about a particular sand toy as it is about establishing control. This is important to any toddler, and perhaps even more so to a younger sibling like her, who's always trying to keep up with her older brother.

"I encourage Grace to share," says Mathews. "But I don't insist that she do it all the time. I think it's important for her to realize that there are some things she can have control over." That way, she's letting Grace feel like she's making her own decision to hand over the shovel  -- or not. Which is how she learned fast that when she doesn't share with the other kids, more often than not, they won't share with her.

It's also important to choose situations in which, given your child's temperament, he's got a good shot at success. For the 4-year-old who's had a hard time sharing, for example, you might suggest a playdate at the park rather than one at home. (At home, he'll be forced to tempt his playmate with all of his favorite Bionicles.) On the other hand, if your child's shy, like my Ezra, chances are he'll do much better at a one-on-one playdate with both moms in the room.

And when you can see your child's struggling with a tense social situation, be sure to keep your cool and focus on calming strategies. In a heated playgroup battle over a dump truck, for example, you can agree with him that it's hard to wait for a toy he's excited to play with ("I know you love that dump truck"), but remind him that hitting isn't allowed ("Still, we're not allowed to grab toys from other kids"). Then direct him toward the Legos.

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