Don't make an exception you don't want to become the

Who knows exactly how it happened? The embarrassing fact is that for several years my firstborn, Anna, had dinner and then, 45 minutes later, had dinner again, with a full plate of food brought to her in bed (along with a toothbrush and water) when she pronounced she was starving minutes before lights-out. Of course, I never intended to kowtow to my toddler like this. But the first night it seemed easier than a fight, and by the next, it had become an inalienable right. While I don't have a problem with a toddler's tendency to graze rather than eat three squares a day, I started to feel silly rushing a complete meal to her bedside.

This is why it's best to pause for a moment before a concession, to weigh the benefits and potential consequences. If it's something that's not in your child's or your best interests (yes, it's okay to take your interests into account), think long and hard before giving in.

But if you do give in (or already have, as I did), ending an expected privilege cold turkey is far worse than if you'd never caved in initially. "For little kids, not receiving something they've come to feel entitled to hurts in complete disproportion to the pleasure they received from it in the first place," says Catherine Chambliss, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Ursinus College, in Collegeville, PA. "And once something enters the realm of possibility, it's always there, a potential goal for your child to work toward."

Which explains why, years after we finally stopped dinner in bed (to great hue and cry, I might add), my 5-year-old daughter still tries for "just a sliced apple" every once in a while at bedtime, clutching her stomach for dramatic effect. By giving in years ago, we established that getting dinner in bed is something that can happen  -- if she can hit just the right combination of whining and tears.

If you feel that you're routinely engaged in time-consuming efforts to salve your child's potential ire  -- hand washing a dirty cup for a tantrum-threatening 2-year-old, letting your 4-year-old's bedtime routine expand to include back rubs, dancing, and puzzles  -- the time has come to say what you should have said in the beginning: No. The fallout will be dramatic for a day or two, says Chambliss, but your child will get used to this new definition of normal. In the process, you can get into the much healthier practice of setting reasonable limits in the first place rather than breaking bad habits later.

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