Babyproof Your Sex Life
Initiate sex yourself
How often have you initiated sex in the last six months? The last six years? Most of us never do. But when you take the initiative, you have sex on your terms, when you want it. You feel less like a rabbit in a cage waiting for your guy to make his move. You feel more in control, less taken advantage of, and your husband, of course, will feel terrific. It can have a hugely positive impact on your marriage.
It takes some practice when you've been out of the habit for a while. Capitalize on a stray thought in the middle of the day, and hang on to it for later. Call your husband to tell him you're suddenly feeling amorous. Take an extra sneak peek at that good-looking guy at the gym. Needless to say, your husband will be thrilled that you want him (your hubby, not the guy in the gym) and wonder what he did to spark your interest. Just by thinking about sex differently -- as an activity you once enjoyed and might again one day as opposed to one more demand that's made on your time and your body -- you might start to get more interested. "If I feel even the slightest inkling, I've learned to act on it," says Harriet, married for five years and mother of one.
Nighttime may not be the right time
Don't underestimate the importance of timing. The end of the day may be perfect for some women. For most, it isn't. We're spent, in every way, and the thought of revving up when all you want to do is settle down is part of the reason we get turned off. Some women told us they are much more interested in sex first thing in the morning, before intrusive thoughts about the number of bananas in the house and emptying the diaper disposal start making their way into their heads. They might even be coming out of a particularly interesting dream. Try setting the alarm a half hour early. Others like a little Saturday afternoon delight when the kids are hanging out with the electronic babysitter. One friend even reported she likes her husband to wake her up in the middle of the night. (To each her own, but a warning to men: Ask your wife before you attempt this last approach. Interrupt-ing her precious sleep may get you nothing but a fat lip.)
Damn you, Martha Stewart! One of the reasons we have less time and energy for sex is because we let household minutiae and our kids' social calendars drain us. Lazy moms have more sex. They've got more energy for it. We can spend too much time creating the perfect Christmas card in July (with everyone dressed in matching reindeer sweaters for the photo) or organizing our cupboards by smallest-to-largest containers and neglect our relationships. We can get more concerned with the details than with keeping our marriages humming.
So we've concluded that dull women have immaculate lives. And really, who wants to be a dull woman? Given the choice between making a casserole and having sex, perhaps there are times when we could choose sex. We can't be a domestic diva in the kitchen and a lioness in the bedroom. We've learned that intimacy with our partners generally trumps a clean kitchen floor. So when it comes to housekeeping, go for the grade of "Gentlewoman's C." If you feel wiped out at the end of the day, try leaving the house in chaos and just sit beside your husband and watch TV or go take a bath. Because if you're already feeling tired, with each toy you pick up and T-shirt you fold, your annoyance with your husband will grow. By the time you get into bed, you'll want to kick him, not kiss him. A few times a month, be a slacker housewife. If your husband complains, tell him why. We've yet to hear of a man who would choose an immaculate bathroom over sex.