Allow me to set the scene: I'm typing this in my garage. Or what used to be my garage, before my now 3-year-old twins were born and I converted it to a home office. I can hear their squeals of glee in the background as their babysitter conjures up some kind of amusement I can only imagine from my cave not 20 yards away.
Donna, the sitter, arrived at 9:00 this morning. Because I have a ten-second commute, I was at my desk by 9:15. At noon, I took a break and joined my kids for a macaroni lunch. At 2 p.m., Donna will put the twins down for a nap. I'll see her off, creep into their bedroom for a quick look and a kiss, and then duck back into my office, where, if I'm lucky, I'll have another two hours to work while they sleep. I barely notice the hum of the baby monitor in the background as I type.
On Fridays my husband cares for the twins, and I get a full day's work in. On Saturdays, my mother joins us, and I sneak in a couple more hours. For us, and for now, this is what works.
Am I making it sound easy? I'd better clarify. Most days, I feel like a full-time writer and a full-time mom, with all the exhaustion that "double shift" implies. Some mornings -- as I peel the play dough off the keys of my computer -- an office full of grown-ups seems the height of luxury. Some nights -- as I sit at my computer past midnight struggling to meet a deadline, knowing I have only a few hours before I'll hear the stirring sounds of my children waking up -- full-time motherhood seems like a cushy deal. But most days, if you ask me how I feel, I'll say, "Lucky." I've found a way to combine work and parenthood that might not work for everyone but feels just right for me and my family.
An increasing number of American families are experimenting with the work/parenting/childcare equation, each coming up with the solution that works best for them. Claire Lerner, a child-development specialist with Zero to Three, a nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting healthy infant and toddler development, says several factors are converging to lead more families to seek alternatives to the traditional choices -- full-time daycare, full-time nanny, or full-time parent at home -- in the hope of obtaining that elusive goal known as "balance."
As women postpone childbearing, Lerner notes, more couples enter parenthood with two well-established careers to accommodate. At the same time, she adds, there is increasing acceptance of stay-at-home parenting as a legitimate and valuable choice for any parent, including one who leaves behind or scales back a career to do so. This emphasis on the importance of both career and child rearing is leading toward a society that is more open to a wide range of parenting and work arrangements, from the traditional to the tangled. "There's now an acceptance that parents have a range of needs and skills," Lerner says. "There are choices."
The key to making your own choice involves paying careful attention to both your work and parenting styles and your child's individual needs and preferences. If you're easily distracted, working at home may not be the best bet for you; if your child has a hard time separating, having you at home but behind closed doors may not work for him either. A child who is adaptable and socially outgoing may be able to handle some flux in a daily situation; one who needs a high degree of predictability to feel secure will do better with a more consistent arrangement.
Child psychiatrist Stanley Greenspan, M.D., whose book The Four-Thirds Solution lays out a model wherein each parent works two-thirds time and shares responsibility for childcare, says he sees more and more parents practicing some version of this formula and loving it. "A lot of parents tell me that it's very meaningful," says Dr. Greenspan, "and that they didn't know what they were missing until they did it."
He offers a few simple guidelines for new parents seeking their own work and parenting balance: "Be flexible, find out what works best for you as a family, and don't be limited by traditional gender roles." He also suggests that couples discuss their child-rearing priorities before they have children and then work together to chart career paths that will allow them to fulfill their parenting as well as their professional goals. In some cases, he cautions, one or both partners have to compromise or make sacrifices: "You can't both be litigators and at the same time have five children and still be personally involved in your kids' lives."
Dr. Greenspan encourages parents who feel that a "four-thirds" solution could never be practical to look a little deeper -- particularly at their attitudes about money. "A lot of people are busy making money so their kids can go to college, not realizing how important the early years are," he notes. "Healthy development comes from strong relationships that begin early in life." There may be as many ways to navigate those early years as there are individual families. No one ever said it would be easy, but the following three families have each come up with a different formula -- and all, like mine, feel they've struck a balance.
