“There are two issues here,” says Joshua Coleman, CCF co-chairman. “One is that she doesn't trust her husband to be responsible with money; the second is that she doesn't trust him to be reasonable if she tells him the truth.” Though it could be painful, it's best to handle these issues head-on—if you ever expect it to get better, that is, says Coontz. If you fear a blowup, it can be easier to reveal past lies in front of a therapist.
Of course, your husband probably isn't telling you everything, either. So try not to lose your temper if, say, you find out he hit the drive-thru again after you've agreed to wean the kids off fast food. Instead, come up with guidelines you both can live with.
Recently, I responded better than my husband expected. He had just had The Talk with our 11-year-old son, Gus. I asked how it went. “Good,” he said. “But I can't tell you any more.” My internal reaction was “I birthed him! What can't I know?” Then I paused. Gus was growing up and needed his privacy. “That's okay,” I said heavily.
In a way, I was relieved I wasn't the only one holding out on something.
