For our third installment of the annual nasty-nappy list, we offer these parentally challenged parties a slew of not-so-fresh-smelling accolades:
Mommy Run Amok award: Britney Spears
Last year we called Britney on a couple of car-safety snafus involving now 2-year-old Sean. But after the birth of second son, Jayden, now 14 months, the singer entered a new world of parenting no-no's: drinking and smoking around the kids; allegedly filling their bottles with soda and feeding them chewing gum (an obvious choking hazard); and stretching their bedtimes much too late (Mommy needs her morning rest to recover from partying). In June the boys watched from their car seats as Brit-Brit severed ties with her mom, Lynne, apparently accusing Grandma of abusing prescription drugs, and they looked on as Britney threatened to "kill" a photographer who snapped her violating the terms of her then-custody agreement by taking the kids from California to Las Vegas without notifying ex-hubby Kevin Federline. So no one seemed surprised when, on October 1, a judge made the "toxic" mother turn over the boys to their dad. As this issue went to press, K-Fed had full custody -- and we were hoping someone would get Brit the help she sorely needed.
photo: Splash News[pagebreak]
Diapers for Dollars award: Virgie Arthur
The worst offender in the custody fight for poor Dannielynn Smith, daughter of Anna Nicole, who died in February of an apparent drug overdose, is surely Arthur, the 15-month-old's cash-grubbing maternal grandmother. She reportedly sold Anna Nicole's pictures and videos to the paparazzi for at least $12,000 after her death; aggressively sought guardianship of her granddaughter even after the child's biological father, Larry Birkhead, had been identified; attempted to stop Birkhead from taking the baby to L.A.; and tried to prevent the body of her estranged daughter from being buried in the Bahamas, which was Anna Nicole's home. Arthur's every legal advance has been slapped by the courts, but if Dannielynn ever receives a share of the $472 million estate of Anna Nicole's late husband, J. Howard Marshall II, Arthur is sure to be back.
Next: C-section-scheduling moms
photo: Splash News[pagebreak]
I'd Like a Preemie, Please award: Moms who schedule preterm c-sections
Why carry to term when doing so could cause stretch marks and diastasis? Or employ the birth canal when you could be left with a looser vagina post-delivery? Instead, find a doc who does c-sections on demand! A perinatal nurse at a prominent Manhattan hospital has revealed to Babytalk that celebrity moms started a terrible trend: scheduling c-sections prior to week 37 in hopes of avoiding overstretching the belly skin, abdominal muscles, and vaginal walls. The practice is trickling down to image-obsessed noncelebs, and some doctors are playing along. "If you schedule a c-section at less than thirty-seven weeks, you are choosing to have a premature baby," our nurse says. This is unforgivable! We can't imagine why anyone sane would put her looks before her baby's health.
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photo: Veer[pagebreak]
Bigger Boob Than Ever award: Bill Maher
Two years ago, we thumped Maher for snarkily calling pregnant women unsexy -- but apparently he took no notice. On the September 14th episode of his HBO show, Real Time, he declared himself "lactate intolerant," ranting about mothers who breastfeed in public. "There's no principle at work here other than being too lazy to either plan ahead or cover up," Maher quipped, referring to the latest media-hyped anti-nursing incident, in which an Applebee's manager asked a breastfeeding mom to put a blanket over her suckling baby. "Next thing you know," he continued, "women will be wanting to give birth in the waterfall at the mall." No, Bill. But we'll happily drown you in it.
photo: Splash News[pagebreak]
Shut Your Blowhole! award: Charlize Theron
"Getting pregnant doesn't excite me," Theron told Parade magazine. "I don't really want to look like a whale." Apparently the usually svelte star is willing to gain 30 pounds to win an Oscar (for her role in Monster), but not to have a baby. Theron did temper her anti-gestational slur with "I'm sure the idea of something growing inside you is pretty powerful." That it is, and we think pregnant bodies are beautiful.
photo: Splash News[pagebreak]
Lactivists Laugh Last award: Facebook.com
This networking website recently suspended the account of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada's Karen Speed (above) for posting a (gorgeous, by the way) photo of herself nursing her youngest son. Facebook threatened to ban Speed from the site if she kept posting images containing "nudity... or other obscene content." Breastfeeding advocates fought back, inviting their supporters to sign a petition, hosted by the website itself, called "Hey Facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene!" To date, it has attracted 30,000 members. Add your name at Facebook.com
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I'm Such a Player award: Tom Brady
The New England Patriots' star QB dumped actress Bridget Moynahan for model Gisele Bundchen back in December -- and then found out Moynahan was expecting his child. He gave her the Heisman throughout her entire pregnancy, but we thought he scored a late-in-the-game safety when he hopped a plane to L.A. to be with Moynahan and his new son, John, after she gave birth in August. But despite having reportedly been granted a week's leave by his team, Brady spent only a day with the two, hightailing it to North Carolina to suit up for a preseason game. We're throwing a flag on that play.
See last year's "winners"
Back to the beginning!
photo: Splash News
