It wasn't even 9 a.m., and I could already tell it was going to be one of those days. My younger two daughters, 3-year-old Meg and 5-year-old Lucy, were arguing over who'd get to drink her juice from the cracked blue cup with the handle. My older two, 7-year-old Kate and 10-year-old Jane, were bickering over whether or not Kate was chewing her cereal with her mouth closed. I was doing my best to stick with my usual first line of attack: Ignore them all for as long as possible.
But several arguments later, as we climbed into the car and the "It's my turn to sit in the window seat" quarrel began, I'm ashamed to admit I finally lost it.
Because sibling skirmishes can take place so often -- some days almost constantly -- it's easy to fall into a one-size-fits-all response when we hear our kids going at it again. But the surprising truth is that different fights require different tactics.
The key, experts say, is to figure out why your youngsters are battling at that particular moment. Not only will the fussing and whining stop, but your children will hone the very same get-along skills they'll need throughout their lives to have successful relationships with friends, teachers, coworkers, bosses, and spouses.
Let's take a look at some common scrapes, figure out why they happen, and find the best way to handle each one.
Fight #1: The Territory War
What happens: "The worst fights my six- and ten-year-old daughters, Amelia and Kate, have are over who gets things. They race into the kitchen every morning to be the one who sits on the first bar stool," says their mom, Joy Sutherland of Collierville, TN. "The funny thing is, the stools are identical! I think it must just be that each knows the other wants it."
The root of the problem: "Kids this age are learning about how to assert themselves and lay claim to what's theirs," explains Sal Severe, Ph.D., author of 0 The specifics go on forever: who gets the bigger piece of cake, who decides whether they're going to watch the Road Construction Ahead or Rugrats videotape, who has first dibs on the computer.... This kind of territorial conduct can be especially intense with the overlay of competitiveness the sibling relationship carries. What's especially frustrating for parents is how petty and, let's face it, downright silly these fights can seem.
How to deal: Experts agree it's important to work with your children to choose a suitable system for settling these skirmishes. For example, the Sutherlands assigned the favorite stool to one girl on odd-numbered days and the other on even-numbered ones. Other ideas: Flip a coin, take turns (timed carefully to ensure fairness), trade items, find a way to use it together. The key here is that both youngsters must agree that the system is equitable, and everyone involved has to honor the rules. Once you've helped them figure this out a few times, your children should pick up on the idea and begin to do it themselves. One way to help them grasp the basics of negotiating is to state the problem and encourage them to come up with a solution. "Saying something nonjudgmental, like, 'Hmm...two girls, one stool. What can you do so you're both happy?' can get them on the right track," says Elizabeth Crary, author of Help! The Kids Are at It Again. If necessary, write down their suggestions -- even the ones that seem off base. Keep asking, "What else could you do?" until you've got a workable list. Then narrow it down till everyone is satisfied with the solution. Eventually, they should be able to go through the steps with less and less help from you.
If negotiations fail, however, and the kids are still at war, it's time to let them know they'll have to face some more serious consequences, notes Severe. "Explain that if they can't agree on how to be fair, you'll be forced to take the stools away and no one will sit on them," he says. "Your action should be a stronger appeal to them to make a better decision." Then follow through: Remove the object in question for a weeklong cooling-off period.
