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10 Mathematical Truths Parenthood Has Taught Me

1. The likelihood that a child will wake up with a stomachache is directly proportional to the difficulty of his spelling test later that day.

2. No matter how many socks you put in your dryer, only 30% of them will come out. For example, if you put in ten socks, you'll get three out. Curiously, if you put in no socks, at least 12 will come out.

3. The velocity at which your dog will run through your house is much greater when the dog has been sprinkled with Hershey syrup (don't even ask).

4. Number of minutes the carpet cleaning man will laugh about a Hershey syrup-covered dog: infinite.

5. One child is a lot of work. You might think a second child would double the work, but they will, in fact, quadruple it. The third child multiplies it by 27. The fourth child, strangely enough, makes very little impact in the overall work load, but this may be because you can't find him.

6. One VCR player + one mischievously-placed sandwich = one new DVD player.

7. The likelihood that the toddler will spill her milk at dinner time is around 31% -- unless you managed to mop the kitchen floor that day, in which case, the likelihood skyrockets to 96%.

8. Four college funds - the losses of the last few months = a daddy who will be working when he's 87.

9. The distance between two kids in backseat will always be exactly three inches shorter than the length of the arm of the meanest kid.

10. One extra-large pizza/four children = "Babe, we should've ordered another pizza."

I am quite certain you readers can add some of your own. Get out your calculators (but first, take off the Barbie stickers) and fire away.

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