I’m always HIGHLY annoyed by the “how they lost the weight” stories that show celebrity new moms practically naked on magazine covers, looking like they didn’t just haul a human in their bellies for nine months and then chuck it through their loins. The inference always seems to be, “Take note you fat, sloppy mothers in your mom jeans, beat up sneakers and baby food-stained sweatshirts: real moms look hot after giving birth, and they do it effortlessly.” Which of course makes me want to squirt the celebrities and the dumb editors who push those stories with breast milk from my stretch-marked boobs.
I say these things because the internet was abuzz this week with a most scintillating piece of journalism—an Us Weekly cover story of Mariah Carey in hot pants, stilettos and a half shirt, with a headline screaming in neon yellow, “30 Lbs in 3 Months: I Got My Body Back!” The mom of twins had nary a stretch mark, and looked about as thin as she did back when her song, “Dream Lover” was a hit. Of course, the story wouldn’t be complete without a super sad-looking “before” picture of Mariah pregnant with twins—as if carrying two babies in her stomach and enough milk in her breasts to feed them was just downright slovenly of her. For kicks and giggles, they added, “Mariah’s easy day-by-day plan that you can do, too”—you know, so you can look like a hot MILF, too. Oh—and don’t forget to go out there and get on that Jenny Craig (Mariah is a spokeswoman. Surprise!)
And hot on the heels of the Mariah story was news that a very pregnant Jessica Simpson inked a $3 million deal with Weight Watchers to hit the treadmill as soon as she gets off the maternity ward. That would be the same Jessica Simpson who spent the last few years fighting back against Hollywood for making fun of her curves and even created a short-lived show, The Price of Beauty, to show that the definition of beauty is different all across the world and shouldn’t be dictated by a couple of movie producers and gossip magazine editors. Now that Jessica’s crossing over to the dark side, surely there will be a magazine cover about how she’s lost all the weight and never felt better, followed by a book detailing her step-by-step guide to losing the mommy weight.
Raise a church finger and give an “amen” if you’re tired of post-pregnant celebrity moms/diet company spokeswomen and the gossip wags that stalk follow them doing those tired “before and after” pregnancy weight stories. Really, they do nothing more than work overtime to convince new moms they suck because they carried a human in their stomachs for nine months and couldn’t lose the baby weight before the first post-pregnancy check-up. Like, how many moms are pressuring themselves to eat unhealthy and strain their bodies with unreasonable workouts so they can be “hot” like the Hollywood moms plastering the magazine rack at the grocery store check-out? And how many husbands/significant others think this massive and quick baby weight loss is normal and appropriate and are giving the side-eye to the mothers of their newborns for not keeping up with the likes of Mariah?
Here's a reality check for your mom booty: Most celebrities stay fit and thin because their jobs demand it and they want to stay off the National Inquirer’s weekly “Celebrity Cellulite: Whose Flabby Ass Is This?” cover stories. We mere mortals often aren’t privy and have no access to the tricks and help celebrities employ to keep themselves slim and beautiful, even after they have babies. There are nannies and personal trainers and chefs and nutritionists and liposuction and plastic surgery, too.
I promise you, with all the things moms juggle when a new baby is added into the mix, the last thing we need is the TV, magazines, newspapers and blogs screaming at us to look “effortlessly hot” two seconds after we drop our precious loads. Or a celebrity blog or book finger-wagging at regular moms who don’t have nannies damn near wet nursing their children while some dude pulls them out of bed for exercise and shoves health shakes and gourmet meals in their faces after Dr. Make It All Right puts his knife skills to work on their stretch-marked bellies and saggy boobs.
Here’s my thing: I may not be a size two and I may still be carrying the residuals of my last pregnancy on my body here and there (yeah, I know I had my last baby nine years ago… so what’s your point?!) but dammit, I look good.
And so do you, and you and you, too. Kiss your pouch, touch those stretch marks, admire those not-so-perky-anymore breasts and those wide birthing hips and thick thighs and thank God for each of these things. After all, together, they worked a miracle—gave you the power to create, produce and sustain the most precious gift of all: human life.
Now somebody put that on the cover of a magazine.