Over the weekend, I did something that I am not proud of—number 1 on the list below, to be exact. As it was happening, I thought to myself, Really? Are you really doing this? Wow. New low, Erin. And then I thought of all the other things I do as a mom that are embarrassing/uncool/less than motherly. And because my blog is all about over-sharing and throwing myself under the bus, here they are:
1. I ate a piece of food that had fallen out of Alex’s mouth. To be fair, it wasn’t chewed and had barely grazed his lips, but still. It was a piece of chicken coated in melty-gooey cheese from a soft taco I’d made him. All I know is he took a big bite, things went everywhere and, like a dog waiting for table scraps, there I was.
2. Sometimes on the weekends I don’t make Alex take a nap not because we’re having so much fun and I want to keep him awake with me but because I know if he doesn’t he’ll go to bed earlier at night and, well, that’s never a bad thing.
3. I occasionally skip pages when I’m reading Alex books at night because I want to get back to Top Chef/facebook/my glass of wine. Lest you think I’m a bad mom, we’re talking about the 12th book of the night.
4. Similarly, I hide his Thomas the Train books because I hate them. They are creepy and weird and way, way, way too long.
5. I let Alex pee in the grass when we’re swimming at my parents’ house. I don’t think this is so bad (he goes in one corner by the rose bush where no one walks, and the alternative is just too annoying) but the other day when my neighbors were over and we were sitting on the patio chatting, Alex walked to the grass, pulled down his pants and peed. D’oh!
6. My not-even three year old has said the following phrase to me, more than once: “Mom, you shouldn’t say ______” (fill in the bad word…all of them).
7. I throw out Nora’s clothes that have been the victim of diaper blowouts rather than soaking and washing. Without exception. This is wasteful and pathetic, I know. I hope my mother is not reading this.
8. Sometimes I let Alex have a second dum dum or third mini cupcake or 10th jelly bean simply because it’s easier than saying no. And because for about a year of his life, thanks to his allergies, the only sweets he ate were the vegan cookies my neighbor was nice enough to bake for him. So my rationalization is that we’re making up for lost time.
9. There is not a single picture of Nora in my house. Or my wallet. Not one. Nowhere. And we have a photo printer.
10. I lose my cool and snap at Alex like a slightly crazy person sometimes. This is probably why the following phrases are part of his vocabulary: “Don’t do this to me right now!” “Are you serious?!” “I’m gonna lose my mind!!!”
OK, please don’t judge me too harshly. And please share something from your own arsenal so I don’t feel so lame. Quick!
Oh, wait, one more! As I type this, I am letting Nora chew on my flip flop….