Jack and Molly Discuss Their Mother, Volume Two
April 29, 2010
JACK: Is she okay?
MOLLY: I'm sure she's fine.
JACK: I don't know, she made TWO cakes this morning.
MOLLY: Okay, so slight cause for concern.
JACK: AND it's pouring. There's no way she's going to let us play outside, even if we wear our boots.
MOLLY: I love my boots. And your boots. And Mommy's boots. I bet could wear EVERYONE'S boots all at ONCE and -
JACK: When is Daddy coming home again?
JACK: so Tuesday, Saturday, Shoeday, Twelveday, FRIDAY! That's only, like, 1 day!
MOLLY: Seems like a long time to me. Have you noticed what she's feeding us for dinner?
JACK: Frozen pizza! Processed chicken in unnatural shapes! How can you complain about that?
MOLLY: I guess she IS letting me eat as much yogurt as I want. Yesterday I ate THREE. AND a piece of cheese.
JACK: I love cheese.
MOLLY: I know. We are total dairytarians.
JACK: But she wouldn't give us a ninety-seventh taste of the cake batter. "You've had enough! You've had enough!" When everyone knows there's no such thing as enough cake batter.
MOLLY: She's so weird.
JACK: And THEN she dumped me in my crib just for headbutting you on the couch! I mean, usually I get another couple of tries before Crib Confinement.
MOLLY: I think Mommy is a little nicer when Daddy's home.
JACK: It's like she thinks we're out to get her.
MOLLY: I mean, what's the deal with not letting me buckle myself in the car seat?
JACK: And not letting me make running jumps off the coffee table?
MOLLY: And insisting I allow her to change my diaper? I mean, has SHE ever had a cold, wet, glorified paper towel swiped across HER bottom? That stuff is not pleasant!
JACK: Look at her hang all these pictures and then take them down and hang them somewhere else and then take them down AGAIN and hang them up AGAIN. Should we be worried? What should we do?
MOLLY: Daddy will be home soon.
JACK: Maybe I'll take a nap this afternoon. MAYBE.
MOLLY: And maybe I'll find something other to do at dinnertime than fuse myself to her pants.
JACK: That does make dinner take longer, you know.
MOLLY: Not that you eat it anyway.
JACK: And I think I heard her talking on the phone about "coming over" and "wine" and "cake". CAKE!
MOLLY: That means she's going to have fun! Without us!
JACK: So maybe I'll nap, but I won't go to bed like a good boy.
MOLLY: Yeah, let's boycott bedtime. That'll be FUN.