We slept in.  Saturday night’s late night fun turned into Sunday morning’s late-for-church chaos and we ended up in the van 20 minutes late and frazzled.  We gave the usual late-for-church talk about being extra quiet when we walk in because we don’t want to disturb the service. 

The kids’ faces were stormy and they deserved to be because when I say, “We slept in,” I’m talking about me and Dan.  Laylee and Magoo had both gotten up on time, gotten dressed in their church clothes, eaten breakfast and waited patiently for their parents to arise from their slumber.  It wasn’t their fault we were late and yet they were getting the lecture.

Looking at Magoo in the backseat, I adjusted my attitude, “I want you to know that we know that you did everything you could to be ready on time.  This is totally our fault.  You guys made good choices.  It was me and your dad who messed up.  See?  Even big grown-ups make mistakes.”

To this he replied, “Yeah.  Grownups and kids both make mistakes but when kids make mistakes, they’re small little mistakes.  When grownups make mistakes, they’re BIG GIANT mistakes.”  He gave me a wry smile, his head cocked to the side, nodding.

I couldn’t help agreeing with him, even as I was cracking up, but the more I think about it, the more I think that the mistakes grownups make are not that different from those made by the little people among us.  The real difference comes in the consequences.  Here are a couple of examples.

1.  Not following instructions – Today I found Wanda playing happily on the floor next to the wrapper from a hearing aid battery.  I didn’t see her eat it or even touch it but I have met her before and I know that if she had gotten ahold of that little round shiny piece of lovely poison goodness, she would have most definitely put it in her mouth.  The doubt started to wear on me and soon I found myself calling Poison Control to ask them how problematic it would be if she really had swallowed one of Laylee’s batteries.

They told me to take her in immediately for X-Rays because it was, in fact, a big deal if she had a battery lodged in the folds of her esophagus.  They took down my name, phone number and zip code for their special file.  So I took her in to be radiated because I saw a piece of garbage on the floor.  These are my consequences for not following the instructions to keep the batteries in a locked gun safe.  They are up high but apparently not high enough.

The consequences for not following the instructions from my homie at Poison Control could be even worse, from a DCFS visit all the way up to the death of an actual person for whom I am responsible.  And yes, they called to make sure I'd taken her in.

2.  Falling down the stairs – Wanda falls down the stairs pretty much any chance she gets.  If we forget to close the gate, she crawls up them so she can bounce back down.  If the gate isn’t installed perfectly, she does the same.  If the gate is installed perfectly she finds a way to use household objects to construct a stair-like object which can be used to inflict recreational fall-induced head trauma.  But she always seems to bounce right back.

I can step down a stair at the wrong angle and find myself with a limp for a week.  If I took a tumble the way she does, I’d be in a body cast.  Adult bodies are no longer made of rubber.

3.  Throwing a fit in public – Sometimes your kids throw fits in public.  I’ve seen them.  Mine surely would never do such a thing but I know that kids, in theory, can lose control of their emotions in a public setting.  Their consequences can include weird looks from strangers, a refusal by parents to buy them an electronic spinning lollipop ever ever again, or even the loss of privileges at home.

If I, on the other hand, started screaming and kicking like a demented possessed banshee (the way your children sometimes do as I have witnessed with the calm demeanor of a much more perfect parent whose own children are utterly angelic at all times, especially in the fabric store), chances are the authorities would be called.  Chances are I would find myself alone in a very quiet place with bland food and special medicine to help me feel a bit more calm.

4.  Hitting an annoying kid – Kids seem to hit each other a lot.  “He took my truck!”  SPLAM!  “She looked at me funny!”  THWACK!  Usually this earns the kid a time out.  Often the words “be gentle” are used in a soft sweet voice to turn the assailant around.

If I found a kid annoying and decided to haul off and smack him, on the playground or elsewhere, I would probably find myself in a whole different kind of timeout.

So yeah, our consequences are giant.  I think that comes with being old enough to know better and the fact that we’re expected to have developed a little self-control by the time we decide to have kids ourselves.  Also, when you’re bigger, your actions affect others in a much bigger way.  Don’t believe me?  Come with me to the library where I'll yell out loud, throw a fit, hit some kids during story time and then fling my body down the stairs.  I promise it will be convincing. 

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