You have lived in our house for a long time but I’m starting to think that you might not be acquainted with all that the house has to offer. I’d like to take you on a tour and make a few introductions.
- Dresser – Kids. Meet your dresser. Your clothes live inside. I know you’re aware that the drawers open but did you know that they can also close? You don’t have to be old like a mom to close them either. They are specially designed to be closeable by even the most weak-sauce six-year-old. String cheese does not go in drawers. But clothes do.
- Toilet Flushing Handle – I’d like you to meet the flushing handle on our toilet. It’s shiny and inviting and it’s not there to taunt you with its awesomeness. It’s to be used and enjoyed. Some people might think that using the TFH once or twice a week is plenty and I agree with them… if you only use the toilet once or twice a week. If you use it daily or several times a day, you should use the TFH that often too. Go on. Indulge yourself.
- Freezer – Like the dresser, the freezer is a place to store things. Also like the dresser, it can open and shut. I prefer to keep it shut. A closed freezer door gives the food inside that little extra something, like it’s all frozen and available for future consumption. Granted, if we leave the freezer door closed and all of the food stays frozen, we’ll get to go to Costco less often and you won’t get nearly as many free samples, but that’s the price we pay for mom’s weird neurotic aversion to spoilage and wasted food.
- Mom and Dad’s Bedroom Door – I would like you to take a very close look at this bedroom door. If you put your hand into a fist and tap your knuckles against it, it makes an awesome drumming sound that can alert the people inside the room that you wish to speak to them. This functionality is really helpful and revolutionary and should be used whenever the door is closed. The door is not meant as a barrier to keep you out of the fun as much as it’s meant as a barrier to prevent you from suffering life-altering mental picture disorder. It is a little bit to keep you out of the fun.
- The Floors – You may have noticed that every room in our house is equipped with a floor. From the bathroom to the garage, floor is wall-to-wall. You might wonder what the floor is for. Is it a special flat storage unit for keeping pee-soaked underwear or ground up goldfish crackers? Is it something we need to keep hidden from prying eyes by covering it completely in toy camouflage? Not really. I like to think of the floor as sort of empty space that we use to walk on, play on, even sit on sometimes. I’d like it to be visible so we can show off just how much of it we have.
I hope these introductions have been helpful so that you, my sweet children, can make the most out of every single feature of this house.