If you came to live at my house, you’d learn some of our unwritten rules by simply watching the way my kids act.

1. Always act surprised when someone reminds you to flush the toilet.
2. Scream while you run.
3. Refuse to go outside when the weather is nice but cry when it’s so rainy that you have to stay in.
4. Each time you ride in the van, leave at least one sock and two food wrappers behind for people to remember you by.
5. Never answer the door unless mom is naked.
6. Never answer the phone unless mom is already having a conversation on the other phone.
7. If you sense that mom’s having a bad day, do something really sweet for one of your siblings.
8. Refuse to eat food that is more than five minutes old because it is “leftovers” unless it’s more than two days old and you find it on the floor.
9. Throw your binkie out of reach when you need it most.
10. If you’re gonna burp, make it count!
11. Wake up really early on the weekends but wait to be dragged out of bed on school days.
12. Start pronouncing words the way your school teacher does because she’s probably right.
13. Play in the street as much as you can because lawns and long driveways are for sissies.
14. Pick every dandelion you can get your hands on because they are beautiful.
15. Always tell people what you’re giving them for their birthday before they have a chance to unwrap the present.
16. Never wear a pair of pajamas twice.
17. Don’t forget to water the floors when you take a bath.
18. Take one bite out of every single one.
19. Be loud unless you’re speaking in front of an audience.
20. Never miss an opportunity to make your parents laugh.

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