Yes, Honey, You Are a Football Player
December 14, 2006
by Booby Juice
Kids say the darndest things — at least that's what Art Linkletter thought! Certainly the evidence suggests as much: Consider the "conversations" Damomma, Daring Young Mom, Daddy Daze and dahGurl have had with their kiddos. Here, I add Lucas' contributions to the bunch:
Lucas: Mommy, I want a present now.
Me: And why do you want a present now?
Lucas: I've been a super really good boy and Daddy said I could have a present if I was a good boy in the car. And I was a super really good boy in the car.
Me [heading to my secret potty-training bribery stash]: Close your eyes.
Lucas: Is it a car or truck?
Me: It's neither.
Lucas: I don't want a neither. I want a car or truck!
Me: Mommy brought you a slinky!
Lucas: Wow! A winky.
One evening, my husband, Lucas and I are watching TV:
Lucas: Why is that man on TV doing that?
Lucas: Why did the TV show stop?
Lucas: Why did she say that? [and why this and why that and on and on]
Husband [turning to me]: Are you going to answer his questions?
Me: No, I'm going to ignore him.
Lucas: Why are you going to ignore me? That's not nice.
I didn't even know Lucas knew what "ignore" meant!
Me: Give me a kiss.
Lucas: I can't, I'm busy.
Lucas' best friend at school just got new sneakers that light up when he walks. You know, the kind virtually every boy between the ages of 2 ½ and 6 is wearing, except, that is, Lucas.
Lucas: Mommy, ask me what my sneakers are doing.
Me: What are your sneakers doing?
Lucas: They are lighting up!
I stare blankly at Lucas' sneakers, thinking he has some ability that could make us rich.
Lucas: See Mommy, right here? He points to the red parts of his sneakers.
Me: Oh yes, Lucas, I see now. Your sneakers are lighting up!
I guess I should buy the poor kid a pair of new sneakers for the holidays...
Lucas: Mommy, am I a football player?
Me: You can be anything you want to be.
Lucas: No, Mommy, look. Doesn't this helmet make me a football player?
Me: Yes, honey, you are a football player!
I guess that's two presents I can add to Lucas' gift list...
Nonna: Come on Lucas, let's go downstairs.
Lucas [raising his index finger and pointing it right at my mother]: No Nonna, I'll be with you in a couple minutes.
Husband: Good night Lucas.
Lucas: No Daddy, lie down with me. I need you to get to sleep.
Husbands can also be unintentionally funny:
Having returned from a long bridal shower, for which I left at 11:00 AM, I ask husband, "What did Lucas eat for lunch?"
Husband [eyes bulging]: Lunch?????