Yes, Honey, You Are a Football Player

Kids say the darndest things — at least that's what Art Linkletter thought! Certainly the evidence suggests as much: Consider the "conversations" Damomma, Daring Young Mom, Daddy Daze and dahGurl have had with their kiddos. Here, I add Lucas' contributions to the bunch:

Lucas: Mommy, I want a present now.

Me: And why do you want a present now?

Lucas: I've been a super really good boy and Daddy said I could have a present if I was a good boy in the car. And I was a super really good boy in the car.

Me [heading to my secret potty-training bribery stash]: Close your eyes.

Lucas: Is it a car or truck?

Me: It's neither.

Lucas: I don't want a neither. I want a car or truck!

* * *

Me: Mommy brought you a slinky!

Lucas: Wow! A winky.

* * *

One evening, my husband, Lucas and I are watching TV:

Lucas: Why is that man on TV doing that?

Lucas: Why did the TV show stop?

Lucas: Why did she say that? [and why this and why that and on and on]

Husband [turning to me]: Are you going to answer his questions?

Me: No, I'm going to ignore him.

Lucas: Why are you going to ignore me? That's not nice.

I didn't even know Lucas knew what "ignore" meant!

* * *

Me: Give me a kiss.

Lucas: I can't, I'm busy.

* * *

Lucas' best friend at school just got new sneakers that light up when he walks. You know, the kind virtually every boy between the ages of 2 ½ and 6 is wearing, except, that is, Lucas.

Lucas: Mommy, ask me what my sneakers are doing.

Me: What are your sneakers doing?

Lucas: They are lighting up!

I stare blankly at Lucas' sneakers, thinking he has some ability that could make us rich.

Lucas: See Mommy, right here? He points to the red parts of his sneakers.

Me: Oh yes, Lucas, I see now. Your sneakers are lighting up!

I guess I should buy the poor kid a pair of new sneakers for the holidays...

* * *

Lucas: Mommy, am I a football player?

Me: You can be anything you want to be.

Lucas: No, Mommy, look. Doesn't this helmet make me a football player?

Me: Yes, honey, you are a football player!

I guess that's two presents I can add to Lucas' gift list...

* * *

Nonna: Come on Lucas, let's go downstairs.

Lucas [raising his index finger and pointing it right at my mother]: No Nonna, I'll be with you in a couple minutes.

* * *

Husband: Good night Lucas.

Lucas: No Daddy, lie down with me. I need you to get to sleep.

* * *

Husbands can also be unintentionally funny:

Having returned from a long bridal shower, for which I left at 11:00 AM, I ask husband, "What did Lucas eat for lunch?"

Husband [eyes bulging]: Lunch?????