How To Speak Fatherese
April 12, 2013
by Shawn Bean
© Illustration courtesy of the author
Since time immemorial, dads have been using the same tried and true phrases when dealing with kids, spouses, and family. But I’ve come to realize that no one (except for dads, of course) knows how to speak Fatherese, or can accurately translate our language. Here’s a 101 class in our native tongue:
Hold your horses. Please speak slower. I drank a lot during college.
Tell your brother you love him. The birth control didn’t work, so we might as well make him feel welcome.
Hurry up! Sweet mother of Pearl you’re putting on socks not establishing a democracy in an unstable third world nation.
Maybe. If I can stall a little longer, you’ll forget.
Be careful! We don’t have health insurance.
Give it to me I’ll fix it. I will take it apart, stare at it pensively, and then blame the manufacturer.
Because I said so. Fifty-pound humans are the only thing I can control.
Your mother and I will determine an appropriate punishment. Your mother will determine an appropriate punishment.
Say please. Am I balancing a silver tray on my hand? Am I speaking in a charming English accent?
Don’t talk back to your mother. Because of you she pees when she laughs. Give her a break.
Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about. Want to see your college fund?
I’m not going to tell you again. I’m going to tell you again, only louder and slower.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. I’m not blowing money on a glow-in-the-dark Nerf gun. I’m blowing money on the iGrow hair laser helmet.
I don’t need anything special for Father’s Day. An original gift would be nice. Remember, I only have one neck.
I’m counting to three. I have three seconds to figure out what the f#@$ I’m going to do next.
You’re a chip off the old block. You’re like a travel-size version of my favorite person on earth.