Yes, I know, ladies. You saw that Orlando Bloom movie where the sun rises and sets and rises while he’s making love… once. And yes, I heard about the book your reading, the one where the man crosses mountains and oceans to reconnect with his lifelong love.
Sorry, ladies: Both of those are fiction. The real version of those scenarios would be far more, uh, realistic. Orlando Bloom would be asked to brush his teeth and take off his dress socks before making love from sunset till just after sunset. The man would cross mountains and oceans get away from his lifelong love.
But it’s not like women have it better. I mean, look at us. Look at your shoulders, dude. Are you putting Rogaine on your deltoids? Look at your clothes. Why are you dressed like a PGA caddie? And who wears Tevas anymore? And you’ve obviously stopped caring about your health. You’re shaped less like Orlando Bloom and more like Orlando, Florida. It’s amazing women actually want to have sex with us. We don’t want to have sex with us.
And I haven’t even mentioned the Big C yet: children. Based on a survey we did at Babytalk a couple years ago, here’s what we found about parents’ sex lives: Only 24 percent of parents are happy with their post-baby sex lives, compared with 66 percent who were satisfied before baby. Seventy-four percent say sleep is more important than sex.
Guys are gross, and kids interfere with our love lives. Women need a certain dose of drama and story to get energized, and guys can get excited by just a visual, or a photocopy of a visual, or a photocopy of a visual glimpsed in a passing car. When it comes to the sex lives of men and women, dads and moms, there are a lot of obstacles to overcome.
That’s why I have a new cause: the charity f#$@.
That’s right, the charity f#@%. Let me be clear: I’m not talking about a mercy f#@$ (also known as a pity f$#@). There’s a big difference. “Pity sex is about checking sex off your to-do list,” says sexpert Ian Kerner on his Good in Bed blog. “Charity sex is about checking in with each other. It’s not about meeting someone else’s physical needs—it’s about meeting your relationship’s emotional ones.”
A charity f$%# is a donation to a great cause: your relationship. When you're a parent, sex can't always be the epic moments you find in novels and rom-coms. It's not fireworks once a year, but sparklers every week. This is about staying connected, plain and simple. Without that, neither a couple nor a family can endure.
Sometimes donations are an oversized novelty check for one million dollars. Sometimes it’s a $20 bill. But any charity will tell you: we need both to survive.