Fatherly wisdom for the WiFi era

My father and grandfather were great at dropping old sayings and proverbs when the moment called for one. Sure, I got "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything" and "even a broken clock is right twice a day." Those were pretty straightforward. But others were confusing, or downright ill-conceived. Did gift horses have bad breath? Have you ever seen a police procedural drama where the key piece of evidence was in the tapioca? The problem is many of these expressions are from another century, sometimes another millenia, which makes them a little outdated. (Rome wasn't built in a day? Okay, fine, but the prefab housing development I live in kinda was.) I need wisdom for the WiFi era, for the world my family lives in now. So I took the initiative to modernize a bunch of old sayings so we can better use them today.

* A picture is worth 1,000 kb.

* If it ain’t broke, you can still return it if you have the receipt.

* Nothing succeeds like ExxonMobil.

* Beauty is in the eye of the Photoshop editor.

* A penny saved is not worth much in Europe.

* When the going gets tough, the tough go on Oprah.

* Don’t judge a book by the Amazon reviews.

* Absence makes the heart download Skype.

* Be careful what you wish for. Santa isn’t real.

* Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I obviously need Gingko Biloba.

* Opportunity knocks only once. But Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knocking.

* Home is where you left the fully packed diaper bag.

* No news is bad for Headline News.

* It’s always darkest before the previews start.

* You snooze, you get eight more minutes of sleep.

* Money talks, but never in the form of a Nigerian man who “has great confidence in your ability to prosecute a transaction of maximum magnitude.”

* Slow and steady is an airport WiFi connection.

* All work and no play makes Jack James Franco.

* Ignorance is Congress.

* Like father, like son, like bacon, like Breaking Bad: take it easy with the Facebook “like” button, already.