There is a phenomenon occurring around my house, and I suspect many others as well, called the “double do.” After I finish emptying the dishwasher or folding the boys’ laundry, my wife, Brandy, trails behind and gives my work a minor redo: moves the stray small spoon out of the big-spoon paddock; refolds a shirt so the sleeves don’t resemble crinkle fries. If you think she’s particular about the silverware, you should see her with the children.

That’s why on a quiet Saturday afternoon, I gave her a summary of a recent study published in Developmental Psychology that observed the co-parenting practices of 112 couples over the course of a year. The results showed that when fathers participated in the caregiving of their child, it led to increased conflict between Mom and Dad. 

That’s about when Jackson threw up on the living room rug. Immediately, we went into crisis mode (BRAT diet, stat!), and the caregiving tug-of-war began.

I’m taking the rug outside to clean.

No, I’m taking the rug outside.

Just stay here and take care of him.

Why won’t you just... Fine.

After stumbling through the first moments, we found a groove. But oh how quickly the division of duties led to trouble. My wife and I have a history of struggling with teamwork. One project nearly broke us up: putting together an Ikea desk. (We stayed together; the desk fell apart.)

So, what is the trick to sharing duties? Not treating each other like short-order cooks, for starters—you can’t just stick a ticket in the window and walk away. When asking us for something, please take a second to explain. Understanding the purpose brings us into the process, and makes us feel like more than an errand boy. (“Honey, please don’t give him pizza at lunch today. They’re having pizza at the holiday party tomorrow.”) And if Dad’s approach is bothering you, ask him about it. He may have as good a reason for his method as you do yours.

Who knew stomach bugs could be so useful? Since that day, Brandy has added explainers to her requests, and I’ve become a blue-ribbon spoon wrangler. As a result, we’re more supportive of each other than ever, so much so that I have an announcement to make: We’re putting together a nightstand.