Make Love, Not Guacamole
February 2, 2012
by Shawn Bean
Yelling. Arguing. Throwing balls. Wearing T-shirts with your heroes on them. Watching bears and lions on TV. Eating. And eating. And eating. After three or four hours, you go home.
No, this is not a toddler get-together. This is Super Bowl Sunday. But as you can see, they are strikingly similar. All you need to do is switch Mott’s for Miller Lite; chicken nuggets for chicken wings; Ben-10 T-shirts for Tim Tebow jerseys; round, primary color balls for brown oblong ones; and Pat the Bunny for Pats-Giants. The Super Bowl is the ultimate playdate for adult men.
As a result, guys are at their absolute least attractive on Super Bowl Sunday. Don’t blame me for saying it: the stats tell the tale. It’s the second largest day of food consumption, behind Thanksgiving. It boasts the second most alcohol-related injuries, behind New Year’s Day. Sales of antacids jump 20 percent on the Monday after the Super Bowl. Those stats must have something to do with the 325 million gallons of beer, 450 million wings, and 70 million pounds of avocados (guacamole, anyone?) consumed on that day alone.
Nothing says “make sweet love to me” like ranch dressing in your stubble. Nothing makes you look hotter than having another dude’s surname draped across your shoulders. Who can blame women for not wanting to have sex with us? You are more likely to spot a Bigfoot in Z. Cavariccis that a couple having sex this Sunday. But it appears moms are willing to trade whoopee for a day sans football. According to a Babycenter survey, 8 out of 10 moms would rather have sex than watch the Giants and Patriots play for the Lombardi Trophy.
The conditions are perfect for a game day challenge: See if you can get your partner to have sex with you and watch the Super Bowl. Here’s how to make it happen:
Let her sleep in. Roughly 74 percent of respondents to Babytalk’s sex survey said sleep is more important than sex. (I should add that 96 percent of the respondents were moms.) According to a survey on the website Socialmoms.com, 51 percent of respondents said a full night's sleep was the most important thing in their life. Tip: Let Mom sleep in on Super Bowl Sunday (and Saturday too). If lack of sleep is a nookie dealbreaker, then make it a non-issue.
Squeeze in a date night. The Babytalk survey also found that only 8 percent of parents have date night once a week. A whopping 67 percent said they go on a date every few months, or never. Tip: Plan a special impromptu outing, even if it’s with the kids. I find that my wife oftentimes does not want to be the one to make the plans or lead the outing. She’s always appreciative when she simply gets to just go along for the ride. But here's the key: Don't go for the sex that night. A special occasion can be just that, with no strings attached. Typically, if a guy pays more than $15 for her entree, he's expecting a lingerie show.
Un-kid your bedroom. Your bedroom used to be just that: a bedroom. Now it's a makeshift nursery, day-care center, storage facility, pump station, laundry depot, and Lego dumping ground. Tip: Make the space cozy, clean and adult-friendly. Make the bed. Light some candles. Turn off SportsCenter (mute doesn’t count). And get rid of any/all kid-related distractions: It’s almost impossible to get into the mood with a Yoda T-shirt staring at you.
Skip the pre-game. Kickoff is at 6pm. That gives you plenty of time to make it all happen. Don’t get caught up watching all the filler beforehand.
I know this sounds daunting, but if you can pull this off, you’ll have proudly proven that football was not the most exciting thing in your life this weekend. Because unless confetti is falling on your head and you’re announcing you’re going to Disney World, it really shouldn’t be.