When you have kids, sometimes the floor is just a big flat toilet… Oreos are the perfect treat for colorblind children… I’m not sure my wife and I should have a third child. Return of the Jedi wasn’t nearly as good as Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back…. If a first grader were president, Christmas would last from September to June. School would be on Dec 25… Dora the Explorer: the absolute master of the awkward pause… Mitt Romney has a son named Tag. If he had been a girl, they were going to name her Hopscotch… There is a difference between a bully and a dick. Darth Vader is a bully. Jabba the Hutt is a dick…. I’m all for same-sex marriage, but after my wife secretly ate my leftovers, I’m increasingly against opposite-sex marriage… There is no such thing as potty training, only potty pleading… Putting the name of a college at the top of a resume is much cheaper than actually sending him there… If I hadn’t had children, I’d have so much more Scotch tape right now… Mickey and Minnie aren’t married. Max and Ruby don’t have parents. Bert and Ernie are lifelong roommates. Are our animated characters more edgy and modern than we are?… A babysitter is a third-string quarterback… It’s the little things that say “daddy” that count… My youngest son Tanner asked me what a solid was. I told him it was something hard that wasn’t a liquid or a gas. My oldest son Jackson corrected me, and told Tanner it was a favor…. I wonder if the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus have ever run into each other at work… If I was the inventor of Flavor-Ice, I’d sue the makers of Go-Gurt… When your son makes laser gun sounds, does he go “beew beew beew” or “neer neer neer’?... Kindergarten is German for “a s#@tload of glue and glitter.”… Great moment in parenting history: Someone puts a canopy and a cupholder on a wheelbarrow and calls it a stroller...
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Pop-isms, Vol. VII
When you have kids, sometimes the floor is just a big flat toilet… Oreos are the perfect treat for colorblind children… I’m not sure my wife and I should have a third child. Return of the Jedi wasn’t nearly as good as Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back….