22w, 0d. Apologies to Adam Mansbach, the author of the supremely awesome Go the F*ck to Sleep. His original version is obviously much funnier, and, um, original. Needless to say, this is my life in the wee hours right now, five months pregnant and with a toddler unexpectedly back in our bed…
After three years, you started hating your crib,
Yelling for mama about some imaginary monster freak.
But now your new toddler bed is assembled and ready.
So please go the f*ck to sleep.
Your bed has been moved to your big brother’s room,
Where he complains you make more than a peep.
You shouldn’t be scared with a protector like him.
So hush, and get the f*ck to sleep.
Creeping downstairs in the middle of the night
Into mommy and daddy’s bed you sneak.
Slamming the door in your wake and needing help to get up
Fine, you’re here; just go the f*ck to sleep.
Our bed is too small for three people, we say.
You lie on mommy’s head and kick daddy in his <BLEEP>
Now we’re awake and annoyed while you squirm and talk
It’s 2:30 a.m. Get the f*ck back to sleep.
“Mommy’s pregnant,” I sweetly remind you.
From my bizarre dreams you should not me keep.
Lest I turn into Crazy Pregnant Lady tomorrow
And just scream “GO THE F*CK TO SLEEP!”
Now we’re months into this crazy routine.
You start in your brother’s room and then creep
Into our bed EVERY night with a plaintive, “I’m scared!”
OK, I give up! Just shut the f*ck up and sleep.
Naps, too, are now spent by my side, in my bed.
With your baby sister kicking in my belly in tandem with your knee
Which is pressing against my bladder from the other side.
I cry, beg and plead, “Both of you, please go to sleep!”
Thankfully you're mostly potty-trained, while pregnancy
Has undone that in Mommy. So, if, in bed, there's a leak
Be forewarned that I might just blame it on you
Since you're conveniently here and just three and... wow, actually asleep.
"Surely this will get better," we say.
But the months, oh how they do creep.
I suspect that in January we’ll have four of us in this bed,
With baby crying and Mommy sobbing, NO ONE will get any sleep.
Well, hopefully your big brother will get some rest alone in his bed, at least...
Did you find yourself co-sleeping with a child while pregnant, accidentally or intentionally? Were you ever able to sleep well during pregnancy? Leave a comment (but, um, please nothing mean about my lack of poetry skills).