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Choosing the Rocky Road

Just so you know: Your stories and insights have blown me away. Thank you so much for sharing them. As one mom said, this experience is a rocky and confusing road. But she also wondered how anyone could walk away if there was any chance of hope. The answer to that is pretty simple, I think: You take this road only when it's the last one left.

My husband is a good man. He is madly in love with our daughter. He takes wonderful care of our home (still) and did (more than) his fair share of chores. But slowly over the last few years, something started to shift between us. We began to live in parallel. We had a baby. A new house. Crazy jobs. We spent less and less time together. Had less and less sex. I had a miscarriage that scarred my heart with deep despair. He resented feeling like he had to walk on egg shells. I resented that he couldn't understand that I needed more attention and time and touch. That really all I need was him. After all, I loved him. I still do. The catch is that he's not sure if he feels the same about me. And so, it doesn't really matter how much I desperately want to do everything possible to save our marriage. Unless (and hopefully until) he does, too, there's nothing else to do except try to escape the void. And for me, that meant asking him to leave for at least a few months, and maybe for good.

I worry everyday that our separation is causing irreparable harm to our daughter. That I'm doing this for utterly selfish reasons. And yet I also can't shake the feeling that she deserves to see both of her parents happy and in loving, passionate relationships, even if it's not with each other. It's not honest or fair to raise her in a home where that union is merely a shell. Then again, could I just be fooling myself?

xo,

EvieĀ 

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