August 13, 2010
Hey, everyone (if you're still out there!). I apologize for not warning anyone that I'd be taking an extended hiatus, but like everything in my life these days, I didn't see it coming. Of course, I have a zillion excuses, most of them reasonable (crazy work, deadlines, three trips packed into one month, depression flare, exhaustion), but the fact is, I've been meaning...and desperately needing...to start writing again for weeks. I started seeing a new shrink a few weeks ago, and at our session yesterday, she laid down the law: It's time. And so, like the good girl I am, I following doctors' orders. It's such a relief.
Man, I have a lot to catch you up on. Last we spoke, I was finally ready to take hold of our separation agreement and start moving that process forward. I followed through and tomorrow I'll be dropping it off with my review attorney to make sure I haven't totally screwed myself. After needing so much time to just muster the energy to read it, I can't wait for this part to just be done. I'm tired of having it over my head. And I'm really tired of living in the land of in-between. It's been a full year, actually almost to the day, that we decided to separate. I remember because it was five days before our anniversary, which is Wednesday. And because this morning, as I was flipping through one of those free family magazines with local activities, I came across a listing advertising the same event we attended this weekend last year. It was to visit a lighthouse on a little island. That day, I desperately tried to put on a happy face as we rode the ferry and explored the grounds. I tried to pretend we were still a normal family. I took pictures of my daughter on the beach. I took pictures of her hamming it up with her dad, too. She beamed. To her, it was just another wonderful day...a special treat getting to be with both mommy and daddy. Whenever I look at those shots, I ache to feel just a drop of that unbridled joy. It seemed so impossible then. I couldn't imagine ever breathing freely again, let alone feeling perfect happiness. I'm not there. Not yet, anyway, but I can at least visualize the possibility. That helps a lot with the breathing.
Well, that, and the fact that I had a delicious little fling a few weeks back! (How's that for a transition?!) Intellectually, I immediately accepted the rendezvous for what it was: a single encounter, no strings, who cares if you never hear from him again? This was me embracing my new single-girl life, taking advantage of the fact that, yes, I can kiss whomever I choose, and that's kind of awesome. Officially, I've been stalking him on Facebook! Mostly silently, of course, only gently reminding him of my existence with carefully chosen "likes" and super-casual comments. The message is clear tho: So not interested. Which is FINE. I don't even know him. We don't even live remotely near each other. But, oh, it was soooooooooooooooooooo niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. No creepy feelings after like with #3. Seriously, I'd forgotten what wild attraction could be like. But as my shrink told me (now you can see why it was time to start that up again), "Put a period at the end of that sentence. Relish the experience. Take it as proof you still have your schwing. (YAY!) And consider it a wonderful entree in this new chapter." Ok, ok. I'm not 100% following the rules here, but I only checked his profile twice today, so that's good, right? :)
Ok, your turn...tell me everything that's been going on. I've missed you! xoxo, Evie