I stole the title of this post from the comment I just left to Nermi. And I did so because it so perfectly captures my current state of mind. If you've been reading lately (I know, who can follow my sporadic nature?!), you know I've been sitting on the draft of our separation agreement for what's now more than a month. The morning I saw it in my inbox, I cried all the way to work. Then I couldn't even think about printing it out for two weeks. And for nearly the last three, it's been on top of the printer staring at me. I just haven't had it in me to pick it up.
But today we had one of our usual assinine exchanges whenever I bring up something "important" and now I know I'm ready to tackle it (well, tomorrow, when I'm fresh, and not delirious from working on a damn project while I'm supposed to be on vacation. Bitter? No, not me!). Anyway, our daughter had a minor procedure today and we both attended. She did great, but he offered to come back to the house to see how she was and to maybe do a few things in the yard. Fine. So as we're winding down, I mention that I wanted us to make time to discuss a general timeline for the house, as in what furniture are we going to try to sell, what can we start getting rid of, and when should we put it up on the market. We have already discussed keeping just long enough so that Miss Monkey can finish Pre-K at her same school. Or most of it.
Granted, none of this is urgent. But I'm a planner and I feel better when I have, well, a plan. So I ask him his general thoughts and he says, "Well, I think next June at the earliest. After all, it's easier to sell a house when things look nice outside." Now, I could have tried harder now to screw up my face and say, "June?! I need to BE somewhere by June! What if it takes six months to get rid of this place?! Where is she supposed to go to kindergarten?! I'm thinking January....we need to give it time!" Then the lecture started the how's and why's of house-selling. And then, of course, I cut him off. "I don't need a the lecture," I snapped. I know what to do to sell house. I was there when we sold our first one for !!!'s sake. Then he just walked out. End of discussion. As freaking usual.
Which is why tomorrow I will read the damn agreement, call my "independent" lawyer to set up my "independent" review and get things moving along toward my new "independent" life. And right now, it can't come too soon. xox, Evie