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A new lesson

For the last few months, I've been casually doing online dating. Casually because I reject about 97 percent of the matches and I check in like once a week. Before Saturday, I'd had three dates with two guys. The first one I never heard from again. Not a problem—the meeting felt exactly like that...a meeting. The second one texts me now and then, usually using Lost as the excuse. (Who knows on what pretense he'll write now!) However, he blew off our third date to help a friend sheet-rock his living room. Seriously? And then came guy number three, whom I met for what turned out to be my first real Saturday night date....

We started out at a wine bar, ended up at a dive and got our asses kicked at the pool table. The convo flowed, we laughed, and even though we actually didn't have a lot in common on paper, we seemed to click. So when we walked out into the street and he went in for the kiss, I was more than down with it. For godsakes, it's been, like, forever since a man actually wanted to kiss me. So as a starry-eyed fool, I went back to his place (safety, Evie!! Geez!) and we kissed some more. It didn't go further...I knew I wasn't ready for that...and it sure was fun. 

Then I got in the car to come home. I settled in, sighed a dreamy little sigh, and expected to have a dreamy litte ride. Except that about five minutes later, the first wave of panic began to rise followed closely by a tidal wave of grief. My mind leapt back to the years of happy, can't-get-enough-of-you kisses I shared with my husband. And how much I'd longed to have them back. When I got home, way too late, I couldn't sleep. In the morning, I took a shower before going to the gym. I took another one right after and still didn't feel clean enough. I still don't. Worse, I'm racked with guilt. Number three texted me three times yesterday. Now I have to tell him I need time/space/distance and I'm really sorry you had to be my first real date because you seem really cool and nice but I don't know when/if we can hang out again. It also means that starting tonight, my online dating career is officially on hold...at least for now. xo, Evie

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