I spent months, if not longer, fantasizing about my unborn baby. Names were picked out; I thought about nursery room colors; yes, I even found a double stroller I liked. This was much earlier on in my TTC journey, before I realized I’m not going to need a double stroller by the time we have our second baby (if we are so blessed). Preston barely uses the two strollers we have now (he’ll be 3 in August). I also realized focusing too much of my energy and attention on the baby I don’t have was probably not healthy for me, or fair to the baby I do have.
I’m glad I took the last few months off from infertility treatments to let myself heal physically, but also mentally—it helped me come back from this parallel universe of emotional despair. Simply put, the process is a total mindf*** and I’m a new person these days—at this point I barely recognize the old person. I have a renewed appreciation for everything in our lives, most importantly Preston. No matter what happens from here, I will never lose myself like that again. N-e-v-e-r.
I don’t have a baby to be preparing for, which bums me out sometimes. Preparing for Preston’s arrival was one of my favorite parts of pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s my hormones in overdrive or what, but sometimes I feel like I’m nesting. I have this overwhelming urge to design a nursery, buy baby gear, get things I don’t need.
I’ve finally stopped researching strollers (except when I’m researching them for friends, which I gotta admit I still love). I’ve put my fantasies of a new baby on hold for now, and have turned 150 percent of my energy toward the old baby. Preston gets spoiled as a result. That natural urge to nest is focused entirely on him.
We have a third bedroom that we use as an office/hoarding space for all of Preston’s old clothes and toys. Eventually that will be Preston’s toddler room—it has a Jack-and-Jill bathroom attached that joins with his nursery. That wasn’t always the plan though—I thought we’d be having kids much closer in age, so we were going to turn the third bedroom into another nursery when the time came, and keep him where he is now.
But plans change, of course, and since that third bedroom is a little bigger, we’re going to use it as his toddler room, and design something cool. Though he’s not ready for a toddler bed yet (and I’m not pushing him out of his crib), I want so badly to start designing his new room. My husband looked at me like I was crazy the other night.
Me: "Let's start planning what we're going to do with Preston's new room. I have some ideas..."
Him: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "I've been looking at Pottery Barn Kids, I want to do something really cool..."
Him: "Okay but it's going to be sports-themed; I get to have a say this time."
Me: "Obviously!" (We'll see...)
I scour Pottery Barn Kids and Land of Nod for ideas on a regular basis. I realize I’m using this as a diversion of sorts. The last two times I was out baby shopping with friends, helping them register at my friend’s AMAZING baby boutique Twinkle Twinkle Little One (cutest stuff you've ever seen), I found myself mentally picking out furniture and accessories for Preston’s new room—a room that is far from existing right now. (First things first, I need to submit the room to “Hoarders” to get it cleared out!)
This is obviously an infertility diversion, right? I mean, he's perfectly content in his crib and we have no need for a toddler bed, room, or anything else at the moment. I'm clearly redirecting some "nesting" energy.
I’m incredibly grateful I have a child who I can spoil like this. He’s not just a distraction—he’s an adorable, hilarious daily source of happiness and entertainment. It makes me realize even more how lucky we are that we didn’t go through this the first time—my heart truly goes out to women suffering from primary infertility, or who don't have children yet (who'd like to). I know how blessed we already are.
But that doesn't mean I don't need a distraction from this infertility nonsense from time to time. What are your diversions?