Our journey with infertility is at an exciting, and nerve-racking, climax. Our first IVF consultation is almost here. While I have talked a good game over the past months, I'm starting to freak out. To help myself through it, I'm going to share the mix of emotions that I always feel before starting a new treatment protocol—and then some. This is your ticket to the crazy show in my mind, where little things have now taken on a life of their own.
I have never been quiet about our struggle with getting pregnant. I talk about it and write about it, so that I can remind myself and others that we're not alone. However, I usually keep the details quiet while we are going through a treatment cycle. This way, if we get a Big Fat Negative on our pregancy test, I only have to tell my hubby. But now that most of my friends, along with strangers, know that our IVF will be starting soon, my email is flooded with well-wishing notes and questions. Goodness, even Jackson, our 4-year-old, knows that Mama is going to the baby doctor soon. Heavens, what's a girl gotta do to get some privacy? (Probably not be an infertility writer and advocate, that's for sure.) I know that the more people I have praying for me, the better. But at the same time, I feel like I might let down 50 people instead of just two.
I think that I am most nervous to be back on injectable medications. Oy, the hormones. I've found that I'm quite sensitive to all medications, and adding multiple shots of hormones to my body does nothing for the crazy. Between the headaches, the mind-numbing fatigue, the mood swings and the bloating, injectables are not exactly my cup of tea. I know that it is worth it in the end, but right now, that is beside the point. I'm worried about losing my patience with Jackson, losing my cool with Derrick and slowly losing my mind in general.
Missing my village
While it takes a village to raise a child, sometimes I feel like it takes a village to support me. My two best girlfriends and my mom, whom I'm very close to, live hours away. While I have friends through church and playgroups, I don't have a set of friends close to me that I can be vulnerable with during this time. With Derrick starting his new job, we both don't want him to have to take lots of extra vacation days already. I would love to be able to call a girlfriend to come to the doctor's office with me and be there if we find out that my ovaries are or aren't responding. This mama needs a village of a few true-blue friends who live in my same ZIP code.
The failure and the unknown
I know that I have promised to readers and family that I'm going to go into this IVF cycle with a positive and hopeful attitude, and I won't let myself be bogged down by self-doubt and worry. But as I get closer to our appointment, the feelings of failure and the anxiety of the unknown are creeping in. My time on my yoga mat is increasing as I prepare my body and my mind to fight the nerves and embrace the journey.
So, that's the state of the (crazy) union right now. If you're the praying type, I would appreciate your prayers for health and hope for me; empathy and patience for my husband; and for wisdom for our doctors.